Ed
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Where's Paul Westerberg When You Need Him?

Has anybody out there ever had hemorrhoids?

I'm just asking because how does one actually know that one has hemorrhoids that first time? It's kinda like a heart attack. Are you actually having a heart attack, or should you have just maybe passed on that third bowl of chili? Which is it?

It's probably imperative that you receive a second opinion, like maybe a doctor's, when you think you have hemorrhoids. Unless you're some kind of bizarre gymnast, most people can't check that area out for themselves. And it's doubtful you have many friends who'd be willing to take a gander at the old poop chute up close. So you have to go see a doctor to make sure, but then...what if it's not hemorrhoids? I mean, I don't want to have to go to the doctor, have him look at my ass, and go, "It's not hemorrhoids. It's an infected ass wart," and then have him step outside the room and burst out laughing in the hallway while I'm lying face down on an examining table with my boxers around my ankles and my face three shades of red.

Anyway, just wondering. And no, I don't think I have hemorrhoids. I'm asking...ummmm...for a friend.

Soooo, speaking of hemorrhoids, here's this week's recap of Ed!

We kick things off in, of all places, Stuckey Bowl. Carol has walked in, tracked down Ed like a drug-sniffing canine and is venting her anger over Principal Jackass cancelling the annual teacher's meeting, where the teachers sit and whine and bitch about how much they hate their jobs and need more money to buy erasers and whatever the hell it is that teachers need. Jackass has cancelled the meeting because he "wasn't in the mood." Which isn't really surprising since it would mean actual interaction with other human beings, which is something Captain Aloof couldn't possibly fathom. Anyway, Carol's mad because Jackass has the school turned upside down with his hands-off approach to administration. Yet she's also intrigued, because the man has an air of mystery about him. Still, she thinks he's a slacker and that he just doesn't care about anything or anybody. She uses the word "mystery" about thirteen times in one sentence to point out that the guy is a "mystery." Ed, visibly bored with the subject of Carol's latest male obsession, mentions that he's looking for a ball named "Bruce." Carol asks why, and Ed says (in a very sarcastic tone) that it's a mystery because Ed is a "mysterious man." Ed finally finds the ball just as a man walks up. "Here you go, Bruce," he says, as he hands the ball over to the man.

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Ed

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