Ed
Replacements

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Uncle Bob: D+ | Grade It Now!
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Where's Paul Westerberg When You Need Him?

Warren shows up for a workout with Captain Mike the Stuckeyville Dyke. Mike wants Warren to show him what he knows. Warren explains that he's been working on a move called "The High Low," where he comes at his opponent eye to eye, and then quickly drops to the floor in an attempt to trip the opponent by wrapping his arms around his ankles. Mike stands there, not going anywhere as Warren flops like a fish out of water, trying to take the strapping young doctor down by the ankles. Mike finally tells him to get up off the floor and teaches him a very basic single-leg takedown. As Mike explains it, it's quick and surprises the opponent. So he tries it out on Warren, flipping him onto his back. Warren is taken aback and tries hard to protect "his boys." Apparently, his boys don't like being confronted, which could prove to be a problem if he ever does get a chance to get Jessica in the back seat of his parents' station wagon. Warren gives it a try and does pretty well, flipping Mike over onto his back. He tries it a couple more times, and as we fade to commercial, we see Warren dropping a bionic elbow in the style of Randy "Macho Man" Savage onto Mike, and missing. Once again, another quick sight gag that many people probably missed, and one of the reasons I still love this show even when it clearly sucks like it does this week.

Commercials. You know what I'm getting really sick of? These NBC commercials where they tell you what's going to happen on an upcoming show and just when you think the commercial is over, the sound grows quiet and the announcer says "Oh...did we mention this blockbuster announcement that's going to happen on the show?" Like the way they promote The West Wing. I hear it's a good show, but I've got a personal grievance with Rob Lowe going back to when he humped my old lady in a Georgia hotel room and put out a videotape of him schlepping the bejeezus outta her. Anyway, the commercial's going, and it gets quiet and the announcer says, "Oh, and did we mention the missing submarine?" Hell no, you ignorant enema bag full of shit, you didn't mention the missing submarine! Is that supposed to hook me into watching it? No! If the announcer were to say "Oh, and did we mention Rob Lowe's going to apologize to Uncle Bob for boinking his old lady back in '92?" Yeah, I might tune in then, you rotten stinking limey bastards. That is...if you're indeed limeys.

In court, it's time for Hector v. Frawley, quite possibly the worst excuse for a court case in Ed's television history, if you conveniently forget about the time a cat sued a dog for emotional distress. Each lawyer brings his cast of wacky employees. The bizarro Phil looks over at the real Phil, grins, and says, "Righteous!" Phil asks whether that's some sort of slacker character, because that is not who Phil is. Phil sniffs and asks his bizarro character whether he's wearing perfume. The guy says he is, and that he figured Phil wore perfume. Phil's offended. Uncle Bob's turned on for some strange reason. Ed gets up first and says, "Your honor..." which prompts Doogie to stand up and say, "Your honor...." Then we get dueling Edisms for a few seconds, since they've both prepared the same opening statement; Doogie finishes it, saying that this case is not about leaves or lawn service or money. It's about neighbors. He's adopted the whole "Caring Sweet Ed" tone of voice down to the stuttering, and Ed turns around and asks his employees whether he comes off like that. Kenny, in his best Robert De Niro impression, says, "Little bit," which cracked my world up. The first of two musical montages of the week starts up. Ed's clearly out to win, having brought in huge diagrams and layouts of the neighbors' back yards. Doogie is clearly panicking. Ed throws some leaves into an oscillating fan as the Old 97's "King Of All Of The World" rocks the courtroom. Ed finally rests his case after a dazzling display of preparation and visual tools. The judge asks whether Ed did all this for $112, and tells Doogie that it's his turn to let the dog and pony show continue. Doogie is helpless and just says, "His leaves fell on my client's property and my client had to clean them up." The judge asks whether that's all he got; Doogie thinks for a second, and in his best Ed tone, says, "Neighbors." Ed wins the case and acts like it's the biggest win of his career. Doogie confronts him and says that this doesn't change a thing. Ed asks, when people hear about this case, whether they're going to go with the bowling-alley lawyer who won, or the bowling alley lawyer who lost? Phil, Shirley, and Kenny do the wave as the four of them exit the courtroom.

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