Episode Report Card
Uncle Bob: D+ | Grade It Now!
Where's Paul Westerberg When You Need Him?

We're now ready for the wrestle-off, which will determine which student gets the 152-lb. Position. MegaMark and Diane are watching the proceedings as MegaMark asks her "Have you ever heard a man's spine snap?" We're about to see one of the biggest mismatches in wrestling history, right below Hulk Hogan vs. Stephen Hawking from Wrestlemania IV. Warren's opponent says, "Welcome to the House of Pain," as the coach blows the whistle to begin the match. Warren quickly goes for the takedown, which works, catching his opponent off-guard. "I wasn't ready," the muscular jock says nervously. Warren gets up, asks if that's all the kid's got, and tells him to bring it on in a true Rocky moment. The second musical montage begins: R.E.M.'s "Everybody Hurts" plays while the jock totally annihilates Warren. A crushing headlock is followed by a pinning situation. Warren is getting his ass handed to him on a silver platter in an ugly battle. The look of horror on his face makes up for the last fifty minutes of listening to Carol drone on and on about the mysterious Principal Jackass. Finally, Warren is apparently knocked out with a slight smile on his face after being thrown down to the mat face first. The juxtaposition of the R.E.M. song with scenes of Warren getting his ass beaten saved the episode, in my opinion.

Jackass is sitting at his desk when his secretary brings in an envelope Carol Vessey had dropped off. He opens the envelope with his evaluation in it, and begins to read it as we at home catch glimpses of the letter. The words "Inspiration," "Wonderful," "Superfuckinsexy," and "I must have his loins rubbing against mine because he's the most mysterious bastard I've ever met" are seen. Jackass looks like he's been shot.

At the snack bar, Warren is nursing his wounds and imitating Diane to her face. "Hi, I'm Diane Snyder, I know everything," he says sarcastically. Diane counters, "If you hadn't been so obnoxious, Tony Pellechia wouldn't have jumped a weight class just to beat up on you." Meanwhile, MegaMark wants opinions on whether he should grow a goatee. Diane doesn't hesitate before saying, "No." Jessica Martel and her gang show up. One of the jocks asks Warren whether it's true that he took down the opponent, and Warren says it is. Jessica says, "Nice going. I never liked him anyway." Warren gets all excited and starts to tell the funny story, but Diane looks at him, so he just makes eye contact with Jessica and nods coolly. Jessica tells him, "See you around". MegaMark is holding a paper napkin to his chin to simulate a goatee and asking what they think; Warren and Diane grin, thinking that their experiment is working. I'll answer ya, Markie: you look like Santa Claus swallowed Australia.

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