Ed
Replacements

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Where's Paul Westerberg When You Need Him?

Credits begin and...hey! Wait just a damned minute! That was it?! That was our opening scene? Oh holy hell, this is going to be one lame-assed episode of Ed if that's the best we could come up with for an opening scene. I sigh and try to enjoy this new theme song. That lasts all of 0.2 seconds as I begin pouring hot candle wax into my ear canals to kill the pain that the theme song is causing. I pray to God to please take my hearing away from me so that I will never have to listen to this theme song again. God doesn't grant my wishes. Ohhh...you're a spiteful one, ain't ya, Lord?

Some commercials roll by. Apparently there's this movie coming out this weekend with a kid named Larry Porter in it and he's like a possessed child with really ugly glasses and a fake British accent. I think he solves mysteries or something. I doubt I'll see it because it looks like it has too many owls in it for my tastes. That's how I judge movies these days: by the number of owls in its previews. If it has more than zero owls in the previews, I strike it off my "must-see" list.

Ed pulls up in the parking lot of Stuckey Bowl and sees a young man waiting for him. Wait a second. That's no young man, that's TV legend Doogie Howser! Doogie has shaved his head, though, which makes him look like an escaped mental patient from Arkansas. He introduces himself to Ed as Joe Baxter, but I've decided for recapping purposes to just refer to him as Doogie, because "Doogie" is more fun to type than "Joe Baxter," plus...it's Doogie, people! Doogie wants a moment of Ed's time. Ed decides to be generous and give him several moments. They walk into the Alley and into Ed's office, Doogie babbling the whole time about how great Ed is. He wants to know how Ed came up with the concept of a bowling-alley lawyer, and Ed gives the same damned answer that he's been giving for twenty-seven episodes now: he was a lawyer, he bought the bowling alley, blah blah blah. Christ, Doogie...read the recaps, dude. Doogie has seen Ed in court and admired him from afar and now wants to come work for Ed. Ed's flattered. Doogie says that he's been working for a big firm for the last three years, but is tired of being a cog in the machine and wants to go the Ed route. He assures Ed that he can bring in business, and that he has tons of energy, which is obvious because he's bouncing off the walls like the Tasmanian Devil after several cappuccinos. Doogie offers Ed a peek at his résumé. Ed explains that he's content working alone and doesn't need no stinking bald-headed washed-up former teen doctor sucking his payroll dry. Doogie thanks him for his time, and leaves the Alley just as cheerful as he was when he arrived. Ed finds the kid a bit odd, which is strange because Ed works with a helluva lot odder characters than Doogie. Take Shirley, for instance. That woman's goofier than a one-eyed hoot owl, but you don't see Ed ushering her out the door based on her mental incompetence, do you?

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Ed

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