Ed
Replacements

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Uncle Bob: D+ | Grade It Now!
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Where's Paul Westerberg When You Need Him?

The teachers are having an unofficial meeting in the teacher's lounge at the high school. All of them agree that Principal Jackass is out of control. Why, just the other day, he was watching a hockey game in his office and wouldn't even pay attention to one of the teachers who had gone in there to complain about how bad his life sucked. Carol announces a plan to get rid of the Ass once and for all. It's review time for the principal, and the teachers are required to write an evaluation letter and submit it to The Guy Who's Boss Of All The Principals In The School System. With everyone's approval, Carol would like to be the one who swings the poison pen around on the frilly stationery and cause the Ass to lose his job, since he's had it in for her since Day One. Everyone agrees that Carol should write it. Carol squeals like a pig who just slammed her pig fingers in the pig car door.

Back at the Alley, Doogie is back in the house, grilling the employees of Stuckey Bowl in a kind-hearted and fun-filled manner. He's asking Phil about his job there. Phil demands not to be pigeonholed ("It's a fool's game, Doogie") as only doing one or two chores around the Alley. He's Ed's right-hand man. Ed enters the scene, and Kenny calls him "Chief" which tickles Doogie to no end. Kenny looks like he wants to wrap his big meaty hooks around Doogie's neck and throttle him. Ed asks Doogie what's going on, and Doogster says that if Ed can't hire him, is it okay if he just hangs out for a while? All he's ever known is corporate law, and he wants to know if he could maybe observe Ed and get a few pointers on this whole bowling-alley lawyer scam. Ed agrees to let Doogle Search come back at 3:00 when Ed will be meeting with a client. Dooger leaves all excited and shit and Phil points out in a smarmy tone that Bossco has a groupie. Kenny snickers and adds that it's a "fella groupie." They both share a chuckle over that fact while Ed wonders silently whether this means he's going to have to ask Doogie to shove bologna up his butt like Motley Crue would ask of their groupies.

At school, Warren is sitting in a stairwell, frantically trying to do some last-minute math problems before class starts. Diane walks up and tries to give him all the answers he needs to complete the math problems, but Warren looks as lost as the Pope in a whorehouse, so she snatches the paper from him and starts scrawling. She then asks how much Warren weighs. He tells her he's currently about 152 lbs., and asks why she's so hellbent on knowing his weight. Diane says she told him she'd be his pimp and help him nail Jessica Martel and that he can't possibly see the inside of Jessica's panties until he plays a sport, preferably wrestling. Warren scoffs at that suggestion and points out that he's as weak as an infant. Diane says that the wrestling team needs him and that they're desperate for someone in his weight class. She's going to sign him up; he thanks her. She hands him back his homework and he sees that she has scrawled a drawing of Warren with the words "Now I'm really screwed" written on it. He tries to erase it but remarks "pen, pen, pen" and that this isn't going to erase. Say what you want about this Diane character, but she's the real mystery of the program right now. Why does she want to help Warren? What's in it for her? Why is she so vicious? And what's up with that rat's nest of a hairdo? One word, Skankasaurus: "Conditioner."

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Ed

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