Episode Report Card
Uncle Bob: D+ | Grade It Now!
Where's Paul Westerberg When You Need Him?

Ahhhhh...Warren and MegaMark. My television emits a sigh of relief. Warren's bragging to the Mega Man that he's going out for the wrestling team. MegaMark snorts and says that Warren couldn't wrestle Olympia Dukakis. What the hell that's supposed to mean is beyond me. This show has had so many lines fall flat this evening, it's almost as if I wrote it or something. Warren explains to MegaMark that he's going out for wrestling so that he can make sweet sweet love to Jessica Martel, since she only goes for jocks. Warren then feels guilty that he's always talking about the women in his life, and tells MegaMark that if he ever feels the urge to discuss his lifelong losing streak with women to just yank out the Kleenex and start babbling. MegaMark says there's nothing to discuss...he lost his virginity on his seventeenth birthday. Warren does a double take worthy of Sid Caesar and is shocked that there's a woman on this earth who would risk her life to be pinned down underneath this human vault. He wants to know when the big man misplaced his cherry. MegaMark says that his dad gave him a choice for his seventeenth birthday: a new Pontiac or a filthy disgusting skank whore. And you don't see his fat ass cruising to school in a Bonneville, now, do ya? MegaMark wants to go into detail, but this would probably bring his pathetic pecker into the equation and Warren wants none of that. Warren spots the wrestling coach in the hallway. He runs over to the coach and tells him that he's looking forward to the new season. The coach is perplexed. Warren explains that he's going out for the team, which prompts the coach to say, "You're serious?" with all the subtlety of a kick in the nads. Warren introduces himself and spells his name out the way he wants it to read on the back of his leotard. MegaMark tells him it's called a "singlet," and that Warren is the "leotard" here. The coach then tells Warren that there's probably still a spot open on the badminton team, which kinda irks me because I was the captain of our badminton team in high school. And yeah, sure, maybe we only won seven games out of a possible thirty-four. But dammit, we played from our hearts, you sonofabitch! Badminton teaches not only grace and speed, but also respect for your fellow goddamned man, Coach! So anyhoo, Warren asks the coach whether he needs someone in the 152 lb. weight class. The coach says he does, and Warren says that he's the guy for the position. Warren says he'll see the coach in the gym, and walks away, leaving MegaMark and the coach standing there. MegaMark debates on asking the coach whether he needs anyone in the 825 lb. Range, but decides against it.

Ed and Carol are logging on to Ed's laptop to find out the skinny on the Jackass. Ed makes Carol turn away while he types in his password, which Carol sees anyway. "Matzo?" she says. "You're not even Jewish!" Ed acknowledges that he's not a Jew, and adds that's why it'd be an even tougher password for a hacker to crack. Ed tells her to prepare to be bored, because he doesn't think Jackass has ever amounted to anything, ever, in his whole stinking life. At first, they bring up the wrong Dennis Martino, because it's a black guy who looks more like Nipsey Russell than the principal. They finally find the correct Dennis Martino and the Jackass has so many accolades that the internet can hardly contain them all. He was a teacher of the year, he launched programs, coached soccer, nursed baby birds back to health, cured polio, created Christianity, and discovered cotto salami. Ed's insistent that the internet isn't all that dependable these days, and that this gushfest had to have been penned by a twelve-year-old because there's no way Dennis is this great. Carol's all flush and warm under the collar from finding out the Jackass has a stellar past. Somebody get this woman a Depends, and stat!

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