Ed
Small Town Guys

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Uncle Bob: A | Grade It Now!
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Small Town Guys

Back in the alley, Phil's reading a book about body language; now he's convinced that he's a master at reading people. He tells Ed that, with one glance, he knows all their secrets. Ed falls for this bull malarkey and tells Phil to read him. Phil studies Ed for a few seconds and says, "You're Dutch." Ed laughs and says he's not. Phil says that even though his mouth says "no," his body screams, "I'm Dutch!" You know...Mr. T. has the same problem. His mouth says "no," but his body says, "I'm a latent homosexual who finds all these gold chains pretty." A guy by the name of Bob Arnowicz walks in. It turns out that Bob and Ed went to Stuckeyville High together and participated in more than their fair share of Friday night circle jerks. Ed asks Bob how he's doing, and Phil interjects that he wants to "read" Bob to determine how he's doing. Phil studies Bob for a few seconds and says, "He wants to have sex with you, Bossco." Wisely, Bob and Ed go into his office, presumably to have sex. Bob says that he's now a clerk at Staples which has its perks, like free Wite-Out. You know, as a teen, I worked at a doughnut shop, and that had its perks as well: the boss looked the other way if he found us sexually assaulting the jelly doughnuts during slow periods in the day. I mean, welcome to Perk City! As it turns out, Bob's being sued. You see, Bob's not good with women. He's boring, unattractive, and built like a bag of peat moss. He asks out lots of women but is constantly rejected. To document these painful rejections, Bob has started a website, Bobs-Rejections.com. ["I'd link to it, but the short-sighted Ed producers haven't actually bought the domain name, so the site doesn't exist." -- Wing Chun] On the site, Bob posts pictures of the women rejecting him, the stories behind the rejections, and the women's names. Bob does this by using the computer of his Uncle Bernie, with whom Bob lives. As I stated earlier, I'm so delusional that I am convinced that this was a shout-out to me and my wack recapping skillz, because the words "Uncle" and "Bob" were mentioned in a ten-second span of television time. ["And the internet, too!" -- Wing Chun] Then again, I've always thought Connie Chung has a thing for me and that Leonard Cohen writes every one of his songs with me in mind. Hindsight being 20/20, I probably shouldn't have eaten that brown acid in '78. So anyway, Bob's being sued for $50,000 by his latest rejection, who claims he's humiliated her. Ed finds this hard to believe, until Bob tells Ed that his site got half a million hits the previous month. Ed's shocked and wants to know how the site got so popular. Three words, Ed: "God bless Google." Bob says that if he loses this case, his life is over. The guy lives with his uncle and is trying to put his younger brother through college. Fifty grand is slightly more than chump change to the loser. Ed asks if he profits from the site, and Bob says he doesn't. Ed says he'll take the case. Bob feels better already. I missed the rest of the scene, because I was too busy calling everyone I know, telling them about the whole "Uncle"/"Bob" reference. They were about as impressed as you are.

Warren walks into the Smelly Goat and sees Jessica sitting at a table with Jake and Fozzkat. Warren tells Jake that he threw a kick-ass party the other night, and that he especially enjoyed the super-giant corn chips. He could have done without the massive ass-thrashing he received at the hands of the jocks in attendance, but that's neither here nor there. He asks to sit down with them, and they grudgingly allow him to sit at their table. He asks if they're eating "mootzarelllla" sticks. Jessica says that they're pronounced "mozzarella" sticks. Warren sticks by his corny, accented phrasing of the word because that's how the Italians say it. He then accidentally knocks a plate of food into his lap, which sends the jocks and Jessica into peals of laughter. In a fit of uninspired lunacy, Warren feels that if a lapful of food makes them laugh, how would they react if he begins pouring food all over himself? He throws a drink against his chest, saying, "Whassamatta you? You find thissa funny?" like Chico Marx on 'ludes. He then pours a glass of milk over his head which has the jocks howling at his ignorance. Warren is eating up the attention while America collectively cringes at his stupidity.

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