Ed
Something Old, Something New

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Uncle Bob: D | Grade It Now!
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Gobble, Gobble, We Accept You, We Accept You, One Of Us

Ed suggests a new TRADITION...this year, the two friends will cook the Edward J. Stevens First Annual Thanksgiving Dinner together...an emotional buddy system. Carol agrees. Ed's happy and says that with this gesture, they will prove a point to each other, and then celebrate by making sweet, sweet love. Carol says, "What?!?" and Ed mumbles, "Just a thought."

That wacky Ed. Always looking for new and innovative ways to dry-hump and then finally bone the bejeezus out of Carol. He's such a romantic. He's obviously read my latest novel, Brad F'n Pitt's 101 Surefire Methods To Bag A Ho.

After a rapid succession of commercials, we visit Mike and his father-in-law eating in silence. I'm so in heaven with this plotline; there's nothing to recap. Finally, Ed walks in, and Dad-in-law warms up instantly to the Edster, making Mike feel like a kid who just shit his pants in front of his peers: awkward, embarrassed, and so alone. Ed turns to Mike and says that after the Edward J. Stevens First Annual Thanksgiving Dinner, they are going to be playing a little Skid Ball. Mike looks dejected as he tells Ed that they're going to be going to Nancy's grandfather's house. Ed says that's all right, going to Grandpa's is a tradition full of thunderous splendor. Nancy's mom asks when did Ed start talking like a homosexual? Everyone chuckles, because Ed is soooo non-homosexual. Nancy's mom tries to rectify her politically incorrect statement by saying that it was a compliment to both Ed and homosexuals, since homosexuals have such excellent vocabularies.

I tend to disagree. Although homosexuals may harbor distinctive speech patterns, not all homosexuals have an uncanny and impervious knack for the spoken word.

Ed then visits the Stuckeyville High Homecoming Game and sees Gavin standing next to the halftime cannon. He runs over to suck up to Gavin, when it's so obvious that he's just using Gavin so that he can shoot off the cannon at halftime, thus fulfilling yet another TRADITION. Gavin is staring at one of the cheerleaders through binoculars. Ed checks her out; she's a pretty young girl that looks like a young Carol. Ed hems and haws and finally asks to shoot off the cannon. Gavin tells him it's all his as he steps aside. Ed counts with the clock down to halftime, pulls the cord, and...nothing. Apparently, the loud boom from the cannon was upsetting parents, who said the sound hurt their children's ears. Yet another TRADITION left on the side of the traditional highway. Ed asks Gavin if he's talked to the cheerleader yet. Gavin starts to give the same spiel that all nerds use when confronted with their obsessions with one of the beautiful people. Ed tells him to talk to her...trust ol' Ed. He used to be in those shoes...a classless nerd who pined for the cheerleader. And now, here he is...a semi-successful lawyer still pining for the cheerleader who just wants to be "friends."

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Ed

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