We go to opening credits. I pray a silent prayer that the show kicks it up a notch in the guffaw department and QUICKLY.
Commercials. Hannibal comes to theaters nationwide this Friday. Guess what? I'm not going to see it. I've seen episodes of Sesame Street scarier than Silence of the Lambs and have no interest in plunking down a paycheck to be goaded into two hours of mediocrity once again by a revamping of an already boring story trying to pass itself off as "horror." Give me Jerry Springer any day. Now, THAT my friend, is horror.
Back from commercials. The waiter is telling Stuckeyville's police chief that the culprit drove away in a red beetle. Ed asks if it was an old Beetle or new Beetle. The chief spins on his heels and asks Ed, "Who the hell are you? Are you one of the guys I arrested for running hooch up to the border?" Molly asks Nancy, "What border?" Nancy counters with, "What's hooch?" The chief finally recognizes Ed as the bowling alley lawyer, a tag that's seemingly gonna follow Ed to his grave. Ed tells the Chief that he might want to use the "Old Beetle-New Beetle" line of questioning sometime. The waiter says it was a new Beetle. The chief turns to Carol and says, "Ma'am are you sure there was nothing else stolen except the music box?" Ed interjects with, "No, we're sure, it was just the music box." The Chief spins around on his heels again, making him one spin-heel-y kinda guy, and sneers, "Is your name 'ma'am'?" Mike speaks up at this point and says, "Nobody's name is ma'am." The waiter then interrupts with the trivial fact that maybe former first lady Mamie Eisenhower went by "Ma'am." Obviously, the interrogation has now turned into an Abbott and Costello skit. Carol says that she's sure nothing else is missing. Ed asks the waiter if he got a good look at the guy. The chief stares Ed down, conveying the message "Shut the hell up, Bowling Alley Lawyer Guy." Ed pipes down.
Tim Cooper and Jessica and one of Tim's jock friends, Steve, are walking down the street, with Tim badmouthing Tom Green, saying he's nothing more than Lenny Bruce with a video camera. This makes Tim one of the few teens in America who has yet to discover the subtle comedic genius of MTV's Tom Green. Tim is soooo cool and mature. I bet he shaves and everything. A squeaky, puberty-soaked voice hollers out "Jessica!" Who else but Warren Cheswick, Stuckeyville's resident geek and ardent Jessica lover. Jessica asks Warren how he's doing. Warren confirms that he's been working out with his crew, his peeps, his posse. Warren is so uncool that he's actually cool. Wait. Scratch that. He's not really cool. He's just a loser. He asks what they've been doing -- shopping?? Tim holds a paper bag up and says, "Yeah Sherlock...shopping." Warren's self-esteem drops somewhere near a half million points. Warren shows off the patented awkward small talk that he's learned from the Edward J. Stevens School of Awkward Small Talk (TM), when Tim decides to interrupt his meanderings. "Hey Warren, did you get the license plate?" he asks. Warren sees it coming and begs, "Oh c'mon guys...please..." Tim won't let up. "No. Answer the question: Did you get the license plate...of the guy that ran over your face!" Warren feigns amusement at Tim's intricate knowledge of second-grade playground insults. The jocks laugh it up and get in the car with Jessica, leaving Warren to pine for his woman on the sidewalks of Stuckeyville.