I taped the episode tonight, so there won't be any comments on commercials this week because I fast-forwarded through them. If you have any complaints, please see the gentleman at the door, and he will refund your money, call your mother a whore, and see to it that you're never allowed in here again. There. I guess I told you. Nanny nanny boo boo.
Carol's walking into the Stuckeyville Pie Shop, home of the greatest freakin' pies in America. She sees Principal Jackass and makes to haul ass, but they run into each other anyway. The obligatory small talk follows, including Carol referring to a late lunch/early dinner as "Dunch," which is a lot like "Brunch," except it's eaten at a different part of the day, and there's no Eggs Benedict involved. Carol wants to talk about "the other night," when she violated Jackass's personal space with her waggling tongue. Jackass playfully says he doesn't remember it, and then says, "Oh! You mean the kiss." Carol says yes, she means the kiss. He says they can talk about it. She says okay. He says, "You first." She tells him to go first. He says since that she brought it up, she should talk about it first. She doesn't want to go first, and then decides that maybe they shouldn't talk about it. I check my TV listings to make sure I haven't accidently tuned into a particularly terrifying rerun of Degrassi Junior High. Nope. This is Ed, all right. Just an episode of Ed where the characters are acting like complete and utter retards. Jackass tells Carol that when she wants to talk about it, she knows where his office is. She assures him that she knows, and has fantasized many nights about taking him into that same office, making him wear a leather diaper, a leather police hat, and a choker chain, and whipping him while he's on all fours on his desk. Jackass smiles, gets in his car, and backs up into traffic, where some guy smacks into the back of his car. It's nothing serious...certainly not the fiery auto crash in which we've all been hoping the Jackass would perish. Jackass shrugs and gives Carol a look like, "What can ya do?" I'm guessing this is supposed to be comedy.
Nancy's in the kitchen baking some cookies. Mike walks in, picks up a cookie, and goes to take a bite. Nancy warns him that they're hot, and Mike says he has the pain threshold of a camel. Personally, I have the pain threshold of a ferret on mescaline, so I kinda know where he's coming from. Mike says the cookie's delicious. Ed walks into the kitchen, because apparently Mike's and Nancy's house has no doorbells. Ed kisses the Evil Baby Sara and reminds her that he's her real father. Ahhhh...so Ed is finally admitting that he's really Satan, the Lord of the hoary netherworld. Well it's about damned time. Mike says that he always thought Sara's real father was the cable guy, insinuating that his wife is the town slut who will blow cable guys for free HBO. I debate moving to Stuckeyville and going into the cable installation trade until I realize Stuckeyville's a fake city. Suddenly, my fantasy world comes crashing down around me, but since it's a fantasy world, there's not much rubble involved. Nancy offers Ed a cookie; he takes it and says it's a great cookie. She asks whether he'd pay for a dozen of these cookies. He says he's not that hungry right now, and reminds her that if she needs a few bucks, she could always have sex with a certain MBTV recapper. Nancy says that she hung up her whore shoes years ago after the cable-guy incident and explains that she's thinking about going down to the Farmer's Market and setting up a booth to sell her cookies. Ed says that he's seen this premise on sitcoms before. Nancy will go down to the Farmer's Market, sell her cookies, it'll turn into a huge success, she'll start making more money than Mike, Mike will become resentful, Nancy will send nude photos of herself over the internet to a certain MBTV recapper, and their landlord will overhear parts of their predicament and determine that Mike's gay. Nancy admits that Mike's already gay. Mike says he always thought the cable guy was gay. I seem to be enjoying my fantasy episode of Ed more than the real thing, so I close my eyes and let my imagination take over for a few minutes, while the pause button on my remote control is utilized. Five minutes and three soiled Kleenex later, I go back to the actual show.