The New World

Episode Report Card
Uncle Bob: F | Grade It Now!
Mommy, Why's The Principal Vomiting in a Trash Can?

At the Farmer's Market, Nancy's asking Mike if what she's doing is crazy. Mike asks if she means the concept of giving out free oral sex with each dozen cookies sold. She punches Mike in the arm and says, "No silly...selling cookies." Oh yeah, Nance. Selling cookies is positively insane. Nobody should be allowed to sell cookies except for mental patients, the brain damaged, and Buffy fans. Nancy's flirting with the idea of calling her cookies "Fancy Nancy Cookies," and going national. I think I'd rather she called them "Nasty Nancy's Cookies." I'd eat Nasty Nancy's cookies. Boy, would I ever. Mike leaves and a group of soccer moms approach Nancy's booth. They're the Cookie Moms, and have all had the same idea Nancy's had -- to sell their cookies at the Farmer's Market and eventually go national with the idea. They've come to greet the new Cookie Mom. Nancy is excited and asks them all to try a cookie and let her know how good they are. They all love her cookies; one Mom says, "This son of a bitch is a home run." I like this Cookie Mom best. Nancy's excited about their enthusiasm and has decided to call her cookies "Nancy's Tasty Homemade Cookies." I'll bet you ten bucks Nancy's never taken a single Marketing class in her life.

Ed enters the law office of Chet Bellafore, played by Chris Elliott. Normally, I'm a huge fan of Chris Elliott and will defend his unique brand of comedic genius to my last dying breath. But he sucked whale balls in this episode. Chet is a lawyer who subscribes to a Zen-like philosophy with little explanation as to why. He has the peaceful waterfall and the New Age music playing in his office, which is decorated like a Japanese whorehouse. He asks Ed what can they do for each other; Ed wants him to drop this ridiculous lawsuit suing his client for ten grand over a minor fender-bender. Chet admires Ed's directness, and then launches into some psychobabble about how trees stand in the forest unless they're crooked, as if that's going to make sense in this situation. Ed tells him he's not getting ten grand for this accident. Chet starts rambling that according to the Art of War, you surround your enemies on three sides, always leaving them a side to retreat from. Ed offers him $250 for repairs and Chet starts talking about the New Age music. Chet rejects Ed's offer, and Ed says it was his final offer. Chet says it wasn't even an offer. Ed leaves with the intention of seeing Chet in court. My God...you mean we have to experience this character again?! Granny, get my shotgun. Tonight the television dies!

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