Ed
The New World

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Mommy, Why's The Principal Vomiting in a Trash Can?

Ed and Chet are walking into Chet's office, where Chet is babbling new-age-style about throwing rocks at eggs or some shit like that. I get the feeling that the writers thought all of this might be funny, but it's not. It's painfully lame. Ed says he's there to negotiate and Chet says great...then asks for a moment. He gets up, goes behind one of those partitions the Japanese are so fond of, and comes back out with his shirt off. Ed starts to freak out as Chet explains that taking one's shirt off during negotiations is a gesture of openness. It's also a desperate opportunity to mine laughs out of Elliott's flabby, pale belly. Chet suggests they begin the negotiations, and then grows quiet. Ed finally speaks, and Chet interupts, calling Ed a loser. He says that he who speaks first in negotiations loses. His entire dialogue has sounded like bad fortune-cookie fortunes. Ed says it's more than Chet deserves, but Ed's willing to pay $1,500. Chet rejects the offer. Ed offers five grand, and gets up to leave. Chet smells fear, and Ed swears he's not scared of Chet. Chet rejects the $5000 offer. Ed says he's walking out the door with the $5000 offer. It takes Ed a while to get out the door as he plays the "I'm leaving! I'm closing the door! Once I walk out, I'm not coming back!" card. Chet sits there and meditates. Ed closes the door, then reopens it saying that Chet wins, and Ed will get him a check for ten grand the next day. Chet says that the offer's rejected and that there's a new offer: $15,000 dollars. Ed about goes ballistic and says that Chet will see him in court. Chet smiles. I've never hated Chris Elliott and I still don't. I just hate the writers of this show with a passion I usually reserve for CĂ©line Dion duets.

At the alley Phil, Kenny and Shirley are sitting at the snack bar when Ed walks in. Ed says he's had a bad day and he wants them to give him some good news. He asks how the parade's coming along. Phil, with a big smile on his face, says it's going fantastic. Ed asks how many businesses are participating, and Phil gleefully responds, "Not a one!" Ed wants to know what the problem is, and Kenny raises his hand to say it's embarrassing, but nature's calling and he has to use the can. Ed excuses Kenny and asks again what's wrong. Phil says that the economy is bad and that people don't want a parade because it's depressing and plus Michael Jackson is failing miserably in his big comeback bid. Ed says that if the world's so depressing, shouldn't that be a reason to have a parade? Shirley tells Ed that rhetorical questions make her nervous. Ed tells Phil to get out there to every merchant in town and tell them there's a meeting at Stuckey Bowl that evening; if they come, there's free bowling for everyone. I get the feeling that if Ed had offered Chet free bowling, that'd be one less plotline we'd have to keep up with right now. Kenny comes back and tells Ed that he thinks he can wait on using the bathroom. Ed's glad to hear it. I'm not as lucky, as I run to the bathroom wanting to vomit over the sheer assness of tonight's episode.

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Ed

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