Ed
The New World

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Mommy, Why's The Principal Vomiting in a Trash Can?

At the bowling alley, all the local merchants have gathered to hear Ed's reasoning for wanting a Thanksgiving parade. Ed launches into a boring story about the pilgrims and how they chose to survive in the new world and celebrated their survival with a huge feast. So on Thanksgiving, they threw a mama of a party. Ed points out that they are all the backbone of Stuckeyville; they are the people who sell hopes and dreams. They have all chosen to be happy, and now it's time to spread the wealth. One man raises his hand after this painfully long monologue (which has been condensed quite a bit for this recap), and says, "If we say that we'll participate in the parade, can we go ahead and start bowling?" Ed smiles and says the lanes are theirs. I sit in my recliner, scratching my head and trying to determine when the hell this show went swirling down the toilet.

Carol runs into Mike and Nancy at the Farmer's Market. They're arriving just in time to see Nancy's booth being hauled away by a garbage truck. Nancy's furious as Jackass walks up and tells Carol he needs to take a walk with her. They walk, and she apologizes for the other day; she says that they work together, and thus should keep their distance. Jackass tells Carol that he may have to leave town soon, because there are things about him that she doesn't know, and some facts about him are about to come out. Carol says she didn't mean that much distance. She's dying to know, I'm dying to know, and everyone in America who fell in love with Ed are dying to know: why is this guy such a jackass?!

He's a drunk.

Excuse me? This is the best the writers can give us? That Jackass is really a drunk-ass? Heaven help me. I've got to email Wing Chun and ask her about recapping Iron Chef or Bear In The Big Blue House. Anything but this rancid leper piss. ["Hey. If Heathen could sit through five whole episodes of Wolf Lake, you can tough it out with Ed, worm!" -- Wing Chun]

Drunk-Ass has been sober now for two and a half years. His last school knew he was a drunk-ass and gave him lots of chances to redeem himself. But one day, he was driving to school hammered out of his mind, and saw a student who had missed the bus. He picked the student up and asked him for some oral sex. The student refused, and Drunk-Ass crashed the car, breaking the young boy's collarbone. At that point, the school board thought it might be a good idea if Drunk-Ass took a leave of absence...permanently. Drunk-Ass is afraid that if they go to court, his painful past will come out to haunt him, rattling some chains and leaving cryptic messages in blood on his bathroom mirror. Carol insists that people will understand, and that heavy drinking is practically encouraged in a boring little town like Stuckeyville. Drunk-Ass says it's sad, because he was just beginning to hate Miss Vessey. This is said in jest, because he means "like" but says "hate" because apparently drunks do that a lot -- get their language skills all out of whack. Carol kisses him, licks her lips, and says, "Hmmmm...vodka tonic?" She then asks when he's ever going to just call her "Carol" rather than "Miss Vessey." He tells her that she has to earn that. She offers to buy him a flask of whiskey, and he lovingly calls her Carol with a gleam in his eye.

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Ed

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