Commercials. Ding! Dong! The Bald Guy's dead. Which Bald Guy? The ER Bald Guy! Ding! Dong! The ER Bald Guy is deaaaaaad!
At the Stuckey Bowl, Ed's on the phone to Mr. Henry, trying to convince the poor decrepit old man that you can sue your neighbor for almost anything, but Ed's pretty sure the guy's neighbor didn't buy an ugly dog just to upset Mr. Henry. Those wacky Stuckeyvillians! Their mental hospitals must be overflowing in that sleepy little burg! Two big tall freaks run into Ed's office and Ed recognizes them as fellow teammates on his high school basketball team. You remember, the ones he let down with that last shot in the state championship? Seriously, if you don't remember, this is going to be one helluva long recap if I have to keep reminding you about it. So anyway, Ed says they haven't aged a day -- they've aged fifteen years! Chuckles galore as one of the guys calls Ed a "quick-witted bastard," which was at one time going to be scratched into my tombstone, but now I'm leaning more towards "Handsome Chunky Bitch Boy." One of the guys goes behind Ed and wraps his arms around Ed's chest, trying to give him the Heimlich, since the last time he saw Ed, Ed was choking at the foul line. Ed's all "oh yeah, ha ha," and you can tell he's still ashamed about screwing that shot up. One of the guys is a dermatologist in South Carolina; the other guy makes screen doors. They've heard that Ed defends professional bowlers. Ed corrects them and explains the whole bowling alley/lawyer gig, which would make for a great running joke if it had ever been funny in the first place. The guys ask Ed if he's coming to the reunion and he says he doesn't know. They convince him that nobody cares about a stupid foul shot gone awry from fifteen years ago, and his feelings aren't hurt anymore so he takes his thumb out of his mouth and says, "Sure, I'll come!" Stupid dim-witted bastard. He should have stuck with his original plan of pulling a Molly and staying home to drown his sorrows in a half-empty bottle of Dewars. Now he's going to be ridiculed by the entire town. What an ignorant shit biscuit.
Meanwhile, Phil and Kenny are at the shoe-rental counter. Phil's telling Kenny to check out "two o'clock," meaning to look straight ahead and to the left a few degrees. Except he's wrong and Kenny tries to correct him, letting Phil know he means "ten o'clock." They get into a brief debate over which is ten o'clock and which is two o'clock before Phil finally drops his cool facade and says, "Look over at the snack counter." Shirley is sitting on a stool while a hulking Michael Clarke Duncan-looking guy with dreadlocks and a stocking cap stands over her. The guy looks like he could tear Shirley in two with his bare hands. The monster scares the bejeezus out of me and I duck behind my recliner, opting to watch the rest of the scene from behind my chair. Phil's convinced that love is in the air and Shirley is crazy about the guy. Kenny asks how he can tell that and Phil says that it's his job to know about women. Shirley's reading some papers, signs them, and gives them back to Frankenhomie and they silently part ways. I climb back into my recliner and pray to God that the writers give me some advance notice before slapping that guy on my TV screen without warning again.