Back at the Stuckey Bowl, Phil's trying to hypnotize Shirley. Kenny walks up and asks what's going on, and Phil says that Shirley's finally admitted to having a crush on Frankenhomie. Shirley tells Kenny it's true. She's a woman. She has needs. I get a mental image of a naked Shirley being bucked like a little kid on a malfunctioning fifty-cent automated horse outside of Walmart, screaming in ecstasy. I quickly do everything in my power to erase this horrifying mental image out of my head. Phil tells Shirley that he's going to give her a post-hypnotic suggestion that will allow her to be chatty around Frankenhomie. Every time he says the word "lumberjack" -- wait, that's no good. The word "dustbuster." No...no good either. Every time he says "sanskrit...no... applesauce...yeah...applesauce." Every time he says "applesauce," she will become poised and self-confident and show no restraints and, most importantly, she won't drool like a stroke victim every time Frankenhomie comes around. Now, to test this suggestion, when he says the word "applesauce," he wants Shirley to cluck like a chicken. Shirley tells him that she's not hypnotized. Phil tries to convince her that she is hypnotized, but she just walks away. Meanwhile, Kenny's sitting there staring at Phil with his mouth agape like Shirley whenever Frankenhomie's around. "Oh my gosh, you're inadvertently hypnotized!" Phil says to Kenny. "No, I'm not," Kenny says, walking away. Phil starts hollering, "Applesauce!" as Kenny walks off. Phil says he's sick of working with amateurs. The man is a comedic genius, yet America has restrained from taking him to its bosom and loving the man for all he's worth. That makes me one sad and depressed recapper. When will you wake up, America?!? Do I have to start appealing to the wacky Canadians for their approval of Phil, America's greatest sitcom character? I will! Don't think I won't! I'll be banging down Canadian doors, searching for approval if need be. Dammit. I think I've got sunstroke or something. I'm getting too wound up over the little shit.
Ed walks into the alley, bitching up a storm because five people have approached him on the street today to rag him for that foul shot that he missed fifteen years ago. He wants Shirley to tell him why this is a hot topic all of a sudden. Shirley doesn't have a clue (naturally), and Kenny steps in to tell Ed to take a gander at today's newspaper. Ed looks at it and damned near every story is about the night Ed let the town down. Ed's mortified.