No stupid opener from me this week, because the episode speaks for itself.
We open in Mike and Nancy's kitchen / dining room as Ed has joined the cute couple for a delicious egg breakfast. Mike asks Nancy what she put in the eggs...liquid wood? Nancy finds this as amusing as a sharp blow to the shins with a crowbar and lets Mike know it. Mike says he's just trying to make a joke and wonders what's bugging his fair lady. Nancy's concerned about their nanny, Carmella. Mike tells Ed that Carmella is their "new" nanny and that she has a crush on him. That took place about five episodes ago...how can she still be "new"? Alas, the world of Ed spins on its own axis, defying all rules of time and space. Nancy says it's not the "crush on Mike" that's bothering her; it's the fact that they have Carmella taking care of their evil baby Sara, and they don't even know her. They don't know her values, her morals, who cuts her hair, and whether she's pro or con on the art of bikini waxes. Just then, the doorbell rings. If this were the real world, that'd freak my ass out, but it's sitcomland where it's no big deal to be talking about somebody and have them show up at the door. Ed says, "Speak of the devil." Mike says something way too fast that I couldn't catch, and then Ed says that if you say the devil's name three times in a row, he will then appear. Which explains why when you're in a television studio audience and holler "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!" Jerry Springer suddenly appears from backstage. Coincidence?? I think not.
So Nancy ushers Carmella in and introduces her to Ed. Carmella couldn't give a shit about meeting Ed. She wants to know if Mike's enjoying his sausage patty. Mike says it's very tasty. Carmella says that patties are so much better than sausage links in a voice that sounds like she's in a Mexican porn film and her name is Senorita Sissy Snatch. Ed laughs out loud as Mike looks like he's sitting on a rusty nail.
Credits roll followed by commercials. Did you know that America Online kicks unholy ass? Me neither. But the shysters at AOL think their shit doesn't stink in the Internet provider wars.
Back at the alley, a woman walks in with one of the most hideous hairdos to ever grace a television screen since Jerry Seinfeld let that old Italian guy cut his hair. Ed's penis becomes engorged as he grins and welcomes Cara Christenson into the alley. They share a hug. As it turns out, Cara is an old girlfriend of Ed's from high school. She's married now and lives in Jaspertown. Ed shamefully explains that he's divorced and wears a scarlet "A" everywhere he goes. Phil walks up saying, "Bossco, I need an advance on my...Hellooooo," meaning he's turned on by this woman with a dead vulture on her head. Ed introduces Phil as the "Shoe Guy" and Phil greets Cara with the line, "It is an honor to finally meet the brave woman who deflowered young Edward." Ed seems slightly embarrassed and aroused by Phil's greeting.