Getting down to brass tacks, Cara is here because she wants legal advice. She thinks her husband George is cheating on her. It's only a hunch, but a strong hunch. Kinda like if Quasimodo started taking steroids...he'd be a strong hunch. Oh, bite me; that was funnier than ninety percent of this episode. Ed asks if she has proof of her husband's infidelity. She doesn't, BUT he cheated on her while they were engaged two years ago, and dammit, that should count for something! I stare at the woman's hairdo and determine that if I had been drunk enough to marry her, I would have been cheating on her with tree stumps by now. Cara has decided to test George's fidelity by hiring a woman named Selma, who's working as a temp at her office, to seduce her husband in a bar and see if he takes the bait, taking Selma back to her place for a little one-on-one scramble. Cara's question is, is hiring a woman to mess with your hubby's hormones legal or not. Ed says it's perfectly legal as long as they don't get naked and bust a move. Cara's hairdo begins speaking in tongues, which doesn't faze either of them.
Over at Stuckeyville High, Anne "Ben Stiller's Mother" Meara is conducting the school band. The music is horrible. It sounds like two cats mating in the dead of night. It sounds like a bus full of senior citizens going over a cliff. It sounds like Mariah Carey's last album. Horrible, I'm tellin' ya. But as bad as it sounds, there's Warren Cheswick, rocking out like it's nobody's business on his clarinet. Warren is easily the Eddie Van Halen of clarinet players. He's innovative and he jams like a peanut butter sandwich in a VCR. Meara tells the band to take five...all except for Warren. She wants Warren to keep jamming. It is only when the band stops and Warren solos that we find out just how bad he sucks. And sucketh he doeth. Meara tells Warren that you have to treat a clarinet like you would a woman. If you try too hard you can't make her sing. And if you don't try hard enough, she accuses you of cheating on her, goes back to her high school boyfriend and hires her office temps to try and wet your willie in a bar. Warren insists that he knows how to please a woman, which ranks right up there with George Bush's "No new taxes" speech as one of the all-time biggest lies told on television.
Carol waltzes in while the band is playing and waits until the band is dismissed. She approaches Meara and says that she's heard the music department is being shut down. Meara seems a bit down about it, but not suicidal "down." Her department is the least important and by getting rid of it, they won't have to compromise the rest of the "important" departments. Carol insists that she will talk to the school board and by God...Anne F'n Meara will always have a place in Stuckeyville High to teach her brand of torturous music to the tone-deaf students.