The Test

Episode Report Card
Uncle Bob: F | Grade It Now!
I Cheat, You Cheat, We All Cheat To Satisfy Our Primal Sexual Urges. Errr...I Mean ..."Ice Cream"!

Thank God. Commercials. Lemme tell you Hollywood directors something: if the best clip you can show from your movie is a picture of Ashley Judd jumping around her bedroom in her skimpy underwear like a cheerleader on fire...you've just put a pretty shitty movie in the can, amigo.

Back in the alley, Ed is grilling Selma on her tryst with George. She says the offer sounded exciting, kind of like "Temptation Planet." She knew she wasn't supposed to sleep with George, she just kinda got swept up in the moment. And before she knew it, she was tugging on Mr. Chubby and begging for a Bolivian sperm bath. Ed's ticked that this airhead screwed up his old girlfriend's marriage and is having trouble keeping his anger in check. He asks on a scale of one to ten, how hard was it to seduce George. She asks if she can say, "Zero." He says she can. She thinks for a second and says, "Two."

At school, Carol is asking the other teachers to compromise to save Anne Meara's job. Carol is giving up her annual field trip to the renaissance faire. Who else wants to give up extra-curricular activities? She asks the French teacher if it's necessary to give each of her students authentic French berets at the beginning of the school year. The French teacher wisely says nothing, knowing that berets are not just a fashion statement; they're a way of LIFE, Carol Vessey. Carol goes off on this long story about how much Anne Meara has meant to her over the years. Carol first met her when she was thirteen, and when she had a bad day, Anne Meara took her to the pie shop and talked to her about it. THAT, my friends, is the sign of a good music teacher who doesn't deserve to be shitcanned. "Those berets are in my contract," the French teacher says.

In the courtroom, Ed's got Cara and her magically hideous hair on the stand. Ed wants to know about the first time she caught George cheating on her. Cara and George were engaged. She and a friend had gone out to eat and she looked across the room and saw George HOLDING HANDS with another woman. All right, correct me if I'm wrong here, but does holding hands constitute cheating? Because if so, I've got some 'splainin' to do Loocey. George begged Cara to take him back and that's when he swore it would never happen again and he drew up the pre-nup. Ed asks her if she wishes that Selma the airhead had never slept with George and she says, "Yes." Ed has nothing further. Nothing. Zilch. He's bone dry in the further department. George's lawyer asks Cara why, if she cares nothing about the hundred grand, is she here? She says because George cheated on her and it's the principle of the thing. The lawyer counters with, "You have principles when it comes to the money, but not when it comes to scheming behind your husband's back, is that fair to say?" Ed objects, but damn...I think Mr. Mean Lawyer has a point here. He asks her if she's familiar with the term "entrapment." She says she's heard of the term. He then asks if there's some part of her that feels like she brought all this on herself. Ed objects, but the judge wants to hear her answer. She thinks for a second and says, "Yes, but..." and the lawyer says, "Nothingfurtheryerhonor" before she can explain herself. Damn. This guy's good. They should give him a show that's on right after Ed called Al or whatever the hell the guy's name is.

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