Ed
The Whole Truth

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The Whole Truth

It was cute. You should have been there.

Commercials. Miss Congeniality looks cute. I sure would like to cover Sandra Bullock in chocolate syrup and then clean her up with a washcloth, if you know what I mean, and I seriously doubt you do.

Back from commercials, Ed and Kenny are sitting at a booth at the Bowling Alley. Ed's scanning the local hot sheets, looking for a new crib to park his hooptie. Kenny's reading a section of a newspaper and asks Ed,. "How would you define the word 'id'?" Ed gives Kenny a thirty-second breakdown of what the id actually is. I'd transcribe what an Id is word for word, but Christ...cut me some slack, here, people -- I'm not as intelligent as I come off here. Ed notices that Kenny is absorbing none of this technical jargon and clams up. He then asks, "What are you reading?" Kenny responds, "The Wizard of Id." Ed responds, "Oh, good stuff." I did a double spit-take...just to brush up on my double spit-takes. Ed announces that he's found a house with southern exposure. Kenny grins and says, "I love that show! That moose...he was always up to no good." Ed says, "Kenny, you're thinking of Northern Exposure." Kenny says, "I don't think so." The writers have actually taken criticism lobbed at them by smarmy peons with cable modem connections and incorporated it into the show as a sly joke. You have to love these guys. Phil interupts this battle of wits with some important news for Ed: another half-assed brainstorm to help keep the bowling alley's standing as the premiere entertainment showplace for Stuckeyville. Ed doesn't want to hear Phil's hare-brained ideas about cockfights in the basement. Phil says this is better: "Open Mic Night." Phil is still having trouble trying to decide if there should be an eight, nine, or ten-drink minimum for the evening. Ed doesn't think it will fly, and Phil offers up Kenny's amazing stand-up skills. Kenny admits that whenever he's in an elevator and it stops on every floor, he turns to the guy next to him and says "What is this...loco?" I didn't get it either, but I don't think we were supposed to find it funny. Phil then points out that Shirley is no stranger to the limelight. Shirley tells the story -- as quickly as she can -- of the time that she was picked as an assistant to help feed the sea lion at Sea World. Then, after she fed it, the lady asked her to take a bow and as she did, the sea lion bit her on the a-s-s. Ed has solidly mastered the art of appearing mildly impressed. Molly walks in and saunters up to Ed and asks him for a favor. He says sure. They have a seat. Molly says it's about her grandfather, you met him at Thanksgiving...Ah! Yes!! Molly brought an old geezer to Thanksgiving dinner and I naturally thought it was her date! So it was her grandfather all along! Boy, is my face red! Ed admits to knowing her grandfather back when he owned Charlie's Pet Shop. He sold Ed his first pet, a turtle. The turtle died choking on a Chewel. "A jewel?" Molly asks. "No, a Chewel -- the gum with the squirty stuff in it." Molly gets back to the subject at hand, and brings up the fact that her grandfather Charlie isn't doing well, and that doctors haven't given him much time to live. She actually gets a bit choked up there for a second, but maintains her composure and asks Ed to write up his last will and testament. Ed agrees to do it after negotiating fees and payments for several hours into the night. Molly informs Ed that he's going to love Charlie, and that Charlie once nailed a butter-churning lady in Colonial Williamsburg. My question: Who hasn't?

Mike's walking into his office when he passes a giggling woman in the hallway. He asks what she's giggling about, and she says, "Just an old episode of Night Court." Mike walks away, and the lady bursts into peals of laughter. He walks into a patient's room and finds another doctor talking to his patient. Mike asks who the guy is, and he says he's Scott Benson, but that Mike should call him Dr. Scottie. The patients like the informality. The patient he's examining pipes up, "Yeah, it helps me relate to him." Dr. Scottie asks Mike to pass the "tongue delighters." Mike acts puzzled and asks "tongue depressors?" Dr. Scottie chides him, "Awww...we don't want to depress our patients, do we?"

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