Ed
The Whole Truth

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The Whole Truth

Ed and Carol get in his car and Ed asks Carol a hypothetical question that is, of course, all about him and his problems with the gay grandfather secret. Carol needs more info, and Ed swears her to secrecy before telling her that Charlie was gay. Carol's shocked. Ed explains that nobody knows, and that Charlie was just about to tell everyone he was gay when he died. He asks Carol what to do. Carol has no idea. Ed wants to flip a coin or draw straws to see who tells the family now that Carol knows the big secret too. Carol decides that it would be best if Ed told the family.

Carol and Ed arrive at the funeral home, and Molly, crying, hugs them both. Molly doesn't want to waste any more time, and wants Ed to read Charlie's will at a family gathering after the funeral. Ed balks. Molly insists. Ed slumps.

Ed notices an older gentleman at the casket. It's Ron. Ed says that when he saw him, he could guess that Ron was an old friend. Maybe an old schoolmate or a fellow trombone player. Ed quickly realizes the "trombone player" gaffe and tries to bounce back from the unsolicited slur, but Ron catches him. "He told you?" Ron asks suspiciously. "Yes," Ed answers. "Did he tell anyone else?" Ron quizzes. "No," Ed answers again. "Good," Ron says. "Nice to meet you." Ron walks away.

Ed runs after Ron and meets him in the lobby. Ed says they need to talk, and tells Ron that Charlie was just about to come out of the closet when he died. Ed needs some guidance here, and asks Ron what to do. Ed suggests that this whole "Gramps was gay" speech may sound even better coming from Gramps's Boy Toy. Ron then asks a simple question that sums up the two geriatric gay guys perfectly. "Do you know how hard it is to hide the fact that you love someone?" Ed can relate, because he has to act like he's Carol's friend, rather than be honest about wanting to slap her ass behind closed doors, for several weeks now.

We skip over to Warren's garage, where the Warren Cheswick Experience is rehearsing a song Phil has apparently written for the band. The keyboard player is Harold, the kid who wanted to sue the old guy for rigging his shack with a cantapult a few episodes back. The music is the most painful batch of horse shit I've ever had to listen to. I was clawing at my ears with plastic sporks from KFC the entire time the band was playing. The band comes to a screeching halt and Warren is PUMPED. "We just blew the roof off that mother," he yells and then adds, "...or something." Harold thinks different. Harold thought the song sucked dirty turtle tits. What it boils down to is Harold doesn't want to play a song written by a bowling-alley guy. The only reason Harold's even in the band is because he was told he would never have to compromise his artistic vision in the band. Warren corrects Harold and says that the only reason he's in the band is because he received a Casiotone for his Bar Mitzvah.

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Ed

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