Ed
The World of Possibility

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Uncle Bob: D | Grade It Now!
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The World of Possibility

Ummm...before I continue, I'd like to go on record right now and say that Brad F'n Pitt has never had sex with a spatula in his life. Granted...I've had my share of wooden spoons jammed up my ass, but that's a different story altogether.

Carol and her fat friend Molly are shown walking around outside. As usual, Molly's trying desperately to get Carol to start liking Ed. Molly sees all of Ed's charms and thinks that she can persuade Carol to fall in love with him if she justs whine about it long enough. Molly...babe. This is Brad F'n Pitt talking, sweetie. I've got a little suggestion for you: drop it. It's as annoying as jock itch when you start this crap about trying to get Carol to dump her boyfriend of seven years to go out with Ed. Let Carol make up her own mind. She's the one with two guys madly in love with her, while you sit at home each night and make sweet, sweet love to a vibrator named "Black Stallion." And fer Chrissakes...step away from the Twinkies, girlfriend. You've got the people at Hostess working overtime for your fat ass.

Ed and Mike are shown hiding behind a building, waiting for Carol to come walking by. Ed knows her daily routine now and knows she'll be walking by any second. Mike makes an off-hand comment that what they're doing is called "stalking." I rest my case from last week's episode as well as in the forums. Ed is a stalker, people. His own best friend admitted it. I know I harped on the subject of his behavior being somewhat stalker-like and a great number of you leapt to his defense, saying Ed was NOT a stalker and did NOT have stalker qualities. Well, guess what, Sherlock Shithead?? HE IS!!! (Brad F'n Pitt shoots his fist in the air several times while making a "Whoo! Whoo!" sound until the very real threat of hyperventilation sets in.)

Carol and Molly round the corner and Ed and Mike jump out to greet them. Naturally, awkward small talk is the subject at hand until Nick Stanton, Stuckeyville's resident bastard, runs up and kisses Carol full on the mouth in front of Ed. Ed looks like he's having thumb tacks slowly pressed into his nuts.

COMMERCIALS.

We go back to the street as Carol introduces Nick to Ed and Mike. Mike gushes over Nick, who taught them both in the seventh grade, just as Ed did last week. Nick admits that he doesn't remember either of them, but he "sure remembers this pretty lady." Molly's nipples pop out in an excited manner. Sadly...Nick was talking about Carol. Molly's nipples retreat once again. The small talk escalates to the point where Nick recognizes Ed as the "bowling alley lawyer." He asks Ed why he bought the bowling alley and set up an office there. Ed almost tells Nick that he did it because he thought Carol loved him, but Carol is standing behind Nick, giving Ed one evil-looking stare. Ed says it's because his wife slept with a mailman. This pacifies everyone involved. Ed asks everyone to pitch in and help him paint the Stuckey Bowl in preparation for its grand re-opening. Nobody agrees to do it, but we Americans who just love our little Ed can't see any reason why anybody would turn the little chimp down when it comes to a paint party.

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Ed

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