Commercials. I flip over to the Grammys, where the Best Instrumental Composition Award goes to the ending credits of the movie Cast Away. Once again, the collected symphonic works of the late, great Boxcar Willie goes unnoticed. This is the longest-running entertainment travesty since Susan Lucci was getting screwed face down on a regular basis by those Daytime Emmy scoundrels.
Back at the pie shop, Carol is telling Ed, "I don't want to seem like a jealous ex-non-girlfriend type, but this mystery woman sounds like she's out of her gourd." Who better than Carol to judge psychotic idiots? Suddenly, we see Kelly Ripa walking down the street dressed as a hunk of cheese. No, I'm not making this up. Ed goes running outside to meet her. He asks her if she works for a cheese company. No. A grocery store? No. She's just handing out cheese. She tells Ed that she can tell he wants to ask her out. Ed grins sheepishly and tells the big hunk of cheese on the sidewalk that he does indeed want to go out with her. She tells him her name is Jennifer Bradley, and that he should drop by her house at six o'clock. He agrees.
The members of the Stuckeyville High TV Team are running around in the snow, trying to get a scene ready to shoot. Warren is serving as the journalist in this scene: an exposé on the cafeteria food. Diane yells, "Action!" and Warren goes into his spiel about the cafeteria food and what's really in it. He says they're waiting for Connie the cafeteria lady; they're going to ambush her and grill her about the food. They wait. And wait. And wait. Through another door, Carol and Jackass exit the school. Carol is nagging Jackass that, from now on, they can't show affection inside the school, because they need to start being more careful with their secret relationship. Jackass agrees, and says he wants to take her to a place "more careful." Meanwhile, Connie comes out of the cafeteria door and Warren ambushes her, wanting to know what kind of meat is in the Salisbury steaks. She tells him it's turkey beef. Since her answer is about as exciting as...well, turkey beef, Warren asks her if she could possibly stick her hand in the camera like they do on 60 Minutes. She obliges and says, "Go away, Morley Safer." She walks away, and Warren and Diane are a bit upset that their exposé wasn't as hard-hitting as they wanted it to be. Warren says he doesn't think he has a story. But MegaMark the cameraman has zeroed in on Jackass and Carol making out like porn stars in the parking lot. MegaMark says, "Oh...I think we do have a story."