Flipping over to the Grammys...apparently the song "Lady Marmalade" just won an award. From what I can tell, the artists behind the song couldn't be in attendance tonight, so they sent four retarded Mexican prostitutes to accept the award for them. It's so nice to see the retarded Mexican prostitutes getting work outside of performing lewd sex acts on donkeys in the basements of abandoned Mexican Sears buildings. I think at one point, one of the prostitutes thanked a Rottweiler. The Backstreet Boys and Sarah Hughes (the official sweetheart of the 2002 Winter Olympics) are standing onstage with the prostitutes. It's obvious that Sarah Hughes is uncomfortable sharing the stage with the women. It's also obvious nobody has sat the little girl down and explained that you cannot catch a venereal disease just from sharing the same stage with four retarded Mexican prostitutes because she looks like she's trying desperately to keep her Gold Medal Coochie covered with her hands. They pan to a crowd shot and Luther Vandross is sporting some new shades. Hold the phone...that's Stevie Wonder. My God, "Little" Stevie Wonder must be pushing 400 lbs. When did this fat bastard swallow Gary Coleman, and why wasn't it on Entertainment Tonight?
Back on Ed, Warren's knocking on Carol's classroom door. He asks how it's "gliding," using his hip, new phrase of the week. Carol says it's "gliding" good, and Warren starts gushing about how beautiful Carol's sweater is today. Carol senses something's up from Warren's unsolicited compliments, and asks how the 60 Minutes rip-off is coming along. She asks if they've uncovered any dirt on the lunch lady stealing pudding or cutting back on the amount of human hair added to the spaghetti sauce. Warren gulps and says that they're not going with the cafeteria story; they found something better. While they were shooting the cafeteria exposé, they caught something happening off-camera, and filmed that instead. Basically, it's Carol and Jackass getting it on like a retarded Mexican prostitute and Mr. Ed. Carol's face goes ashen white as her facial expression brings back fond memories of a young Ellen Burstyn the first time she saw her daughter polishing the crucifix in The Exorcist. Warren insists between painful gulps that the piece is fun and light-hearted, like when the local TV station sends the weatherman out to the local zoo to film the birth of a new panda, which by the way scarred me for life when I was a kid. Warren adds that it's their responsibility to keep feeding the machine in the name of journalism. Carol's on the verge of tears as she storms out of the classroom, while Warren stands there looking like a bumbling idiot, which isn't necessarily a stretch for him.