Hi! Miss me much? First off, an ultra-special, sparklelicious tip of the hat to Kim who subbed for me during the last few episodes of Ed while I was busy arguing with the station manager of my local NBC affiliate over his insistence to continue pre-empting the normal Wednesday night schedule and regale us all with some gawdawfully boring college basketball games. After a few heated debates that included several words that started with "C," the station manager has finally come to his senses (and avoided what would have undoubtedly been considered a "severe thrashing"), and has scheduled Ed back on Wednesday evenings rather than Monday mornings at 4 AM. I know -- you didn't need to know all that. "Just get to recapping the show, Uncle Bob. We have lives too, you know. Blah blah blah. Bite me."
Anyway, the show begins in the Stuckeyville Pie Shop which, for you trivia hounds, is officially named "Who Wants Pie?" Mike and Ed are reading the newspaper and eating pie. Mike asks Ed if he thinks that Barry Bonds is really worth $80 million. Ed isn't quite sure of Barry Bonds's worth to the owner of a baseball team, but he points out that what Ed himself likes about Barry Bonds is that his name also happens to be a sentence. This revelation steers the boys into a battle of celebrity names that also serve as sentences. We go through Britney Spears, Tom Waits, John Waters, Bill Withers, W.C. Fields, Tyra Banks, Suzanne Somers, George Burns, George Will, George Wendt, Charlie Rose, Norman Fell, and more until Mike adds, "Sally Struthers." Ed stares at his friend with the type of glance usually reserved for those occasions when you accidently catch a family member masturbating. The perky little waitress interrupts this frivolity to ask the guys if they need anything else. They don't. She walks away, and Ed says that the waitress is really cute. Mike tells him to ask her out, and Ed says he couldn't possibly do that because he eats in the pie shop on a regular basis, and if he were to ask her out and she turn him down, then he would have to find another pie shop in which to eat his pie, and that's not going to happen for a series of reasons that I don't want to go into here; they all basically revolve around the fact that Stuckeyville couldn't possibly be big enough for two pie shops. Mike asks Ed how he's ever going to settle down with a pretty little woman when he clearly isn't "out there," meaning available and on the open sex market. Ed assures Mike that he's "out there," and is a pretty good catch for some pie-shop waitress who's looking to settle down with a handsome honest-to-God lawyer who happens to own a bowling alley. Technically, Ed and the waitress have what it takes to bring a white-trash second-rate Pretty Woman scenario to life. Ed watches the waitress for a second and mutters, "She really Struthers," lending false credence to Mike's claim that Sally Struthers is a complete sentence.