Ed
Things To Do Today

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Uncle Bob's To Do List

Ed and Mike exit the pie shop and start walking down the street. While making small talk about their mundane lives, a hot blonde (played by Kelly Ripa, because Kathie Lee Gifford turned the gig down) walks up to Ed and kisses him square on the mouth. She then smiles, gets in a car, and drives away. Mike asks, "Who's that"? Ed admits that he has no idea. Mike says that maybe Ed really is "out there."

The theme song starts. Before the painful strains reach my ears, I click over to the Grammy Awards. U2 is on stage singing "Walk On" a song about a friend of theirs who had to get a wooden leg after having his real leg chomped off by a bitter moose who had been harboring a beef with human beings for being able to walk on two legs while he had to lollygag around the forest on four legs. The song's chorus goes "Walk on. Hum hum hum. Don't let the crazy mooses get you down, Buddy. Walk on. Hum hum hum. Keep walking on that wooden leg until you get comfortable with it, pal." It's a pretty deep and emotional song. It made me raise my fist in the air and yell "Gimp Power!" over and over again until I became light-headed and flipped the channel back over to Ed.

At the Stuckey Bowl, "Ghostbusters" is playing over the alley's PA system while the gang bowls. Kenny brings over a few beers, and Molly asks him if he can change the radio station. Kenny's offended because "Ghostbusters" happens to be his favorite song of all time, and in his view, nobody gets it done like the song's artist Ray Parker Jr. This statements adds fuel to the fire that Kenny is about as mentally stable as Andrea Yates. Speaking of mental stability, the ladies in the gang all agree that Ed's new "mystery kissing woman," whom he's been obsessing over, is a few fries short of a Happy Meal. Mike ponders the possibility of being so incredibly beautiful that it could somehow drive you crazy; he muses that, if it is possible, then maybe that's what happened to this mystery girl. He then clumsily adds that Nancy's lucky this dreaded fate hasn't yet struck her. Nancy stares a hole through him for that demeaning statement. I kinda hope she gets up and does one of her trademark Sexy Dances™ to voice her disapproval of her ignorant husband more emphatically, but alas, she does not. While Mike is backpedaling, Ed comes up with the brilliant idea of going back to the pie shop and waiting for the girl to come back; maybe lightning might strike twice. So it's off to the pie shop for Ed in hopes of another liplock with the town psycho.

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Ed

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