Ed
Things To Do Today

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Uncle Bob: B- | Grade It Now!
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Uncle Bob's To Do List

Back on Ed, Warren's knocking on Carol's classroom door. He asks how it's "gliding," using his hip, new phrase of the week. Carol says it's "gliding" good, and Warren starts gushing about how beautiful Carol's sweater is today. Carol senses something's up from Warren's unsolicited compliments, and asks how the 60 Minutes rip-off is coming along. She asks if they've uncovered any dirt on the lunch lady stealing pudding or cutting back on the amount of human hair added to the spaghetti sauce. Warren gulps and says that they're not going with the cafeteria story; they found something better. While they were shooting the cafeteria exposé, they caught something happening off-camera, and filmed that instead. Basically, it's Carol and Jackass getting it on like a retarded Mexican prostitute and Mr. Ed. Carol's face goes ashen white as her facial expression brings back fond memories of a young Ellen Burstyn the first time she saw her daughter polishing the crucifix in The Exorcist. Warren insists between painful gulps that the piece is fun and light-hearted, like when the local TV station sends the weatherman out to the local zoo to film the birth of a new panda, which by the way scarred me for life when I was a kid. Warren adds that it's their responsibility to keep feeding the machine in the name of journalism. Carol's on the verge of tears as she storms out of the classroom, while Warren stands there looking like a bumbling idiot, which isn't necessarily a stretch for him.

Meanwhile, Molly and Jim are enjoying lunch at the Smiling Goat. Molly's telling some incredibly boring story of the kind most women like to tell once they get comfortable around their man and realize that the man isn't going to leave them if they tell one more boring story about their job. Oh...I'm sorry. Did that come off sexist? If so, keep in mind I said "most" women, and if you're a woman offended by that statement, then take comfort in the fact that you've probably never told a single boring story in your life and I wasn't talking about you, okay there, sweetiecakes? Anyway, Jim's picking at his food; the smile that he's become synonymous with has vanished from his long face. Molly wants to know what's up. She says he's not gobbling up his hash like he normally does, which is one of the things she LOVES about him. He has something to tell her. Molly says that he can tell her ANYTHING, because that's where they're at in the relationship right now: NO SECRETS. Gawd. Molly is now saying every single thing a guy doesn't want to hear moments before he tells his girlfriend about his wife. Jim says he needs to tell her about someone else. Molly stiffens and wants to know if he's met another woman. He says no, and then quietly tells her he has a wife. Molly's face goes ashen green as she looks like she just sat down on a rattlesnake. She jumps up from her chair and storms out of the restaurant. Jim tries to chase her, but only halfheartedly, since he knows that if he catches up to her, he'll get the holy hell beaten out of him, Molly-style.

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Ed

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