Ed
Trust

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Uncle Bob: B | Grade It Now!
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Mountains Out of Molehills

Over at the Stuckeyville Progress, Mr. Dobbs is bitching that computers suck, and that in the old days, you used to type everything on typewriters, and when you were finished, you'd yank the paper out of the contraption and yell, "Copy!" and someone would snatch it out of your hands and then take it into a broom closet and pass it around a bunch of minimum-wage employees smoking weed who would then giggle and draw unicorns on it and scrawl notes like "I'm a gargantuan ass" before taking it to the press. Carol barely pays any attention to him. She wants to moderate a little bitch session of her own, about the stack of ideas he gave her; she says that they're not stories, and yanks one out as an example. A feature on Stuckeyville's tallest man...he's 6'4", which isn't really a story. She demands to cover an actual event, because real reporters get events. Instead of hurling an electric pencil sharpener at her mouth, the guy assigns her the plum story of the upcoming Stuckeyville bake-off. Kerrrist. My old boss would have drunkenly yanked his belt out of his pants and began whipping everything in sight if you dared to tell him what stories you wanted to cover. I worked at the paper for nine long years before I got to cover a local bake-off. Carol's dad must run the Stuckeyville mafia or something, because it seems everyone she comes in contact with gives her whatever she wants out of complete and utter fear. Either that, or they want a blowjob. I can't really decide which right now.

At the Smiling Goat, Carol's holding court with her tale of how she told that newspaper editor to give her an f'n story or she'd rip his scalp off, and pound his brains into his nasal cavity so that every time he sneezes he'll lose thousands of brain cells. Mike says it'd be cool if Betty Crocker showed up drunk off her ass. Nobody has the heart to tell Mike that Betty Crocker quit drinking years ago after that embarrassing melee with Sara Lee. Just then, Ed shows up. He and Mike exchange ashamed looks as Mike excuses himself to go to the bar like a whipped puppy. Nancy goads Carol and Molly to go accompany him, because she has to talk to Ed. Molly and Carol leave; Ed sits down, and Nancy asks Ed what's going on, because right now, Mike needs Ed. Ed says lawyer-client privileges keep him from telling her what's going on, and she interrupts him to say that Mike told her everything and it's okay. Ed grins and hunkers down to spill the beans about her lecherous hubby. He says the email really screws up the case. Nancy says she has to believe him because he's Mike and she trusts him. Ed asks why Mike didn't say anything to him about it, and Nancy says that he's embarrassed right now and that we all do stupid things that we're not proud of, meaning all the crap that Ed did when he was trying to get into Carol's pants like renting a suit of armor and having a skywriter write a message to her in the sky and making that cheesy video of him singing "You're The Inspiration" to her. It all flies right over Ed's head since apparently he's Mr. Perfect, which is news to the WWF's Curt Hennig (and personal friend of Uncle Bob, but that's another story. Hi Curt!). Nancy asks him to get Mike out of trouble, and Ed assures her that he'll do his best. Which means he'll show up for court and say that Mike only harasses women that he finds attractive so...you know...let him go or something.

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