Wait. There are the opening credits. I spoke too soon.

Commercials. Oh, shit. There's something even worse than PMS out there. It's PMDD: Prementstrual Dysphoric Disorder. I swear to God, if any of you people email my wife to tell her about this, I will hunt you down like a rabid dog. She doesn't need to know about stuff like this, because she will claim to have it and then starting aiming guns at my head once a month. Oh wait. There's a cure: Sarafem. Never mind.

Back in the bowling alley, Ed walks in as Phil and Shirley set up folding chairs. Ed asks what's going on, and Phil welcomes him to the "Phil Stubbs Love-Atorium." Shirley throws a handful of glitter in the air to emphasize the importance of the name. Phil explains that, with Valentine's Day right around the corner, this is a good way for lonely Stuckeyvillians to hook up and get some righteous sex on the big day. Ed stops him and says that -- instead of Phil's explaining this latest idea, Ed's shooting it down, and Phil's just doing it anyway -- Phil should just name his price on how much he thinks this will make, and Ed will give him that amount right now. Phil smiles and says, "It's like watching a little six-year-old trying to buy a whole candy store with a handful of pennies," which means...there is no price for Phil's latest idea. Nancy walks in and needs to speak to Ed. Phil gets all slimy grubby toward Nancy, telling her to come by later tonight if she's looking for action. She brings up the fact that she's married, and Phil says that everyone needs a little something on the "schnide." I think he meant "side," but Phil's too cool to actually say "side." Hence...my strictly heterosexual love affair with this man. Anyway, Nancy wants to talk to Ed about Rev. Carver, who's been ousted from the pulpit by the president of the church.