The girls are having lunch with Ed and grilling him about his date with Bonnie. Ed finally caves and says he picked Bonnie up and that they went to the drive-in movie, where they held hands the entire time. Afterward, they went out for some ice-cream sodas and met up with Archie and Jughead and then went to Inspiration Point, where they necked. The girls are kinda dejected that the words "rock-hard penis" didn't materialize anywhere in his description. Ed tries to blow off the whole night as "nothing special." Ed's obviously pissed that Bonnie didn't stay for eggs.
Back in his office, Ed's working when a pounding on the window is heard. It's Dick Knight, who just happens to be the best friend of Harry Balls and Jack Hoff. This guy is too, too pushy. Dick grabs Ed by the arm and says that they need to go outside to help get rid of Ed's hangover. Ed says that he doesn't have a hangover, but Dick doesn't listen and pulls him outside anyway. Whaddayaknow -- there's a new little sports car in the parking lot of Stuckey Bowl, and Dick insists that Ed get inside. Ed says he's not buying a car, and Dick utters his trademark line, "And I'm not selling you one." Ed brings up Rev. Carver, and Dick says he's a nice guy, but that doesn't put asses in the pews. Ed tries to save Rev. Carver's job but Dick says that he's not living up to his contract, and that if they don't have people in the pews, they lose money. Dick brings up Rev. Porter, a more flashy minister on the other side of town. That guy knows how to draw a crowd, according to Dick Knight, who tells Ed to go check him out, and to go enjoy that car. Ed reiterates that he's not buying the car and Dick yells, "I'm not selling it!" over his shoulder as he runs out of the parking lot.
Back inside, Phil is welcoming everyone to the Phil Stubbs Love-Atorium. There are two guys and one woman sitting in the folding chairs. This is obviously the New Coke of dating services. Shirley is playing the Love-Atorium Theme Song over the massive boom box that's always around the bowling alley. Phil introduces the concept of speed dating to the three people. Every guy in the room gets twenty seconds to talk to every woman in the room, and if they're lucky, by the end of the night they may have made a few love connections. The tall guy with hair talks to the woman. He works at the soap factory. She's a pastry chef. Her favorite pastry is the cannoli. They rotate. The stubby, bald guy introduces himself to the same woman Chuck just did. Chuck imports bauxite. I think he said "bauxite." I rewound the tape several times, and "bauxite" was all I could get. He then goes on a lengthy discussion on what "bauxite" is. It had something to do with aluminum, I won't bore you all with the gory details here. ["According to my dictionary, bauxite is a clay-like material containing alumina, from which, as one might guess, aluminum is made." -- Wing Chun] But the description of it takes up all twenty seconds of his time. Phil blows the whistle. The guy keeps trying to talk, and Phil about takes his head off in anger and tells the woman to disregard his last statement. Then it's the woman's turn to decide which man she wants -- the guy who was boring or the guy that was real boring. She goes with the boring guy and leaves Chuck looking like a human Charlie Brown. Phil's excited that his first Love-Atorium has been a success, and tells the happy couple to "bang themselves silly." Chuck's a bit ticked because he paid $40 for this crap and was promised a date. Phil says, "Let's face it, Chuck, the only man that can promise you a date is my man Andre downtown. Look for the pink El Dorado." Chuck's still mad, and is whining that he never stood a chance against the other guy because he looked like Lee Majors. Phil, feeling Chuck's pain, tells him that he's going to get him a date, adding, "Follow me." Chuck asks where they're going, and Phil replies, "The plastic surgeon. I'm kidding, Chuck. You're a handsome man," and then rolls his eyes.