Back inside, Phil is welcoming everyone to the Phil Stubbs Love-Atorium. There are two guys and one woman sitting in the folding chairs. This is obviously the New Coke of dating services. Shirley is playing the Love-Atorium Theme Song over the massive boom box that's always around the bowling alley. Phil introduces the concept of speed dating to the three people. Every guy in the room gets twenty seconds to talk to every woman in the room, and if they're lucky, by the end of the night they may have made a few love connections. The tall guy with hair talks to the woman. He works at the soap factory. She's a pastry chef. Her favorite pastry is the cannoli. They rotate. The stubby, bald guy introduces himself to the same woman Chuck just did. Chuck imports bauxite. I think he said "bauxite." I rewound the tape several times, and "bauxite" was all I could get. He then goes on a lengthy discussion on what "bauxite" is. It had something to do with aluminum, I won't bore you all with the gory details here. ["According to my dictionary, bauxite is a clay-like material containing alumina, from which, as one might guess, aluminum is made." -- Wing Chun] But the description of it takes up all twenty seconds of his time. Phil blows the whistle. The guy keeps trying to talk, and Phil about takes his head off in anger and tells the woman to disregard his last statement. Then it's the woman's turn to decide which man she wants -- the guy who was boring or the guy that was real boring. She goes with the boring guy and leaves Chuck looking like a human Charlie Brown. Phil's excited that his first Love-Atorium has been a success, and tells the happy couple to "bang themselves silly." Chuck's a bit ticked because he paid $40 for this crap and was promised a date. Phil says, "Let's face it, Chuck, the only man that can promise you a date is my man Andre downtown. Look for the pink El Dorado." Chuck's still mad, and is whining that he never stood a chance against the other guy because he looked like Lee Majors. Phil, feeling Chuck's pain, tells him that he's going to get him a date, adding, "Follow me." Chuck asks where they're going, and Phil replies, "The plastic surgeon. I'm kidding, Chuck. You're a handsome man," and then rolls his eyes.
I'll tell you what -- if my kid were old enough to be watching Ed, I'd have a ton of explanations about sex to be hand out this week, and we haven't even reached the fifteen-minute mark yet. Luckily, my boy's three months old, and doesn't understand sex at all. Yet even with that strike against him, he's getting more tit than me lately. Go figure.