Valentine's Day

Episode Report Card
Uncle Bob: D+ | Grade It Now!
Happy V.D.!

We then have some commercials. Nothing of great importance. I think wild lion cubs are now wearing Pampers. Or something like that. Oh...some guy proposes live to his girlfriend on television. This has got to be the most clumsy proposal ever staged on television. It made me uncomfortable to watch such a loser propose to his woman. It was really bizarre and uncomfortable.

Back at Grace Church, the organist tries to liven up the festivities by announcing Rev. Carver. The good reverend emerges from behind a curtain with a spotlight in his eyes that leave him temporarily blind. He tries to tell a joke that was so bad and screwed up that there's no way I can transcribe it here. The congregation just stares at him like his head exploded, and Bonnie Hane had nothing to do with it. Ed, Nancy, and Dick Knight are standing at the back of the church, and Dick's not impressed with Rev. Carver's lame jokes.

After the service, Ed and Nancy walk with the Reverend, who's visibly pissed about his comedic timing, mentioning that he's no David Brenner. Hey, Reverend...who is, huh? Nancy and Ed try to tell him to keep doing what he's doing. The Reverend says that doesn't work anymore; you have to have fireworks and dancing monkeys. Ed mentions that he wants to fight Dick Knight in court over this. The Reverend says that he doesn't want to fight in court, and that maybe it's time he just opened that tile and grout store that's been his pipe dream all these years. Heh heh. You've gotta love that line. He's been a minister for thirty years, but he always wanted his own tile and grout store. Heh. Still gets a chuckle out of me. Somehow they convince him that he needs to fight in court. The fight is on.

Skipping all the stuff that goes on before a case actually gets to court, we now end up in court. Dick Knight is on the stand, and is being grilled by his attorney. Dick says that Carver's a fine man, but that the bottom line is they need more people in the congregation to make more money and keep the church going. Dick even tries to sell a few cars during his testimony. He's such a likeable sleaze -- kinda like Bonnie Hane, except she's lickable and not likeable. Dick is forced to read Rev. Carver's contract; it states that he's supposed to work in the best interest of Grace Church, and he hasn't done that. Ed's turn. Ed asks how Dick Knight measures a good car salesman. Dick says that a good car salesman moves cars in and out at a rapid pace. A case of dollars and cents. The same goes for ministers. The church is there to help people. Ed asks whether the church is there to make money, or to help people? Dick says that it's there to make money so that it can help people. Ed asks which is the better church -- the one that helps a small number of people a great deal, or the church that helps a large number of people just a little bit. Dick thinks that Ed's missing the point. Ed says that Dick's missing the point. Ed asks whether Grace Church's bills have always been paid. Dick says yes. Ed has nothing further. My ass itches, so I scratch it. Probably a little more than I needed to, but sometimes those lines become blurred. Have I scratched enough? Am I scratching too much? Not that this has anything to do with Ed. It's just that sometimes I'm looking for a viable outlet for my ass-scratching questions. Sorry.

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