Valentine's Day

Episode Report Card
Uncle Bob: D+ | Grade It Now!
Happy V.D.!

Commercials. You can buy tuna in a bag now. Welcome to 2001. You thought computers named HAL were going to be killing us in outer space by now. Wrong. Tuna in a bag. That's it.

Back in court, Dick's attorney says that Rev. Carver refuses to do the part of his job that he hates: bringing people into his church and keeping them there. That's the bottom line. Ed says that it doesn't matter whether Rev. Carver is popular or not: he has the ability to touch people with his words. It's better to be good than popular. I don't agree, but that's only because I'm one popular asshole.

Back in the bowling alley, Phil has dressed Chuck up like Cupid and is giving him another pep talk. Chuck feels stupid. Phil doesn't care, and asks Chuck to repeat his new opening line. Chuck says, with vigor, "I'm Cupid. I own a speedboat." Phil's impressed, and sends him off to be castrated by the female wolfhounds that inhabit the Stuckey Bowl. Chuck takes a few steps and says that he can't do it -- he won't do it. He's going to do it his way. Chuck takes his Cupid wings off and climbs up on top of the bowling-shoe desk/ checkout/ thing that I've never really known what to name so I've always avoided talking about it for the last thirteen recaps. Chuck then gives a moving speech that I think needs to be transcribed word for word. Here it is in its entirety:

Excuse me. Excuse me. [People stop bowling and turn to look at Chuck, wondering to themselves if this nutjob is packing heat.] Can I have your attention, please? Thank you. My name is Chuck Harris. I'm not a rock star. I don't speak with a fancy French accent and I don't own a speedboat. I'm just a nice, simple guy from Stuckeyville who imports and distributes bauxite for a living. [A guy yells, "What the hell is bawxite?"] It's used in abrasives, furnace linings, and spark plugs. [The guy says, "Ah...gotcha."] It's Valentine's Day, and I, Chuck Harris, don't have a Valentine. [Phil balances the boom box on his head, à la John Cusack in Say Anything; the stereo is playing Foreigner's "I Want To Know What Love Is."] So if there's a gal out there who would like to spend some time with a regular guy like me -- a guy who will never be president [Shirley stares at him lovingly] or a lion tamer, or a king -- step on up here to this shoe counter. Step on up and take a chance that maybe, just maybe, Chuck Harris may be worth a roll of the dice. Because you know what? There ain't nothing wrong with Chuck Harris just the way he is. Nothing at all. [People resume bowling. Nobody steps up.Chuck looks pathetic.]

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