Ed
Your Life Is Now

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Your Life Is Now

Back at Tucker's Appliances, Ed is following the manager around the store, pouring out his anger over the fact that the store screwed him on the refrigerator delivery. The manager is clearly blowing him off while Ed spews his venom. Finally, the manager turns around and sneers, "I'm not real crazy about your attitude." Ed is dumbfounded, and the manager says that Ed's "aggressive." He tells Ed to sue him over the botched delivery.

Ed and Carol walk down the street as Carol explains Warren's latest attempt at trying to get into her stockings. Ed says that the locket was a classy move. But then again, Ed was a complete loser in high school. Molly meets up with them on the sidwalk and she and Ed engage themselves in a battle of wordplay using the word "twist" a lot. I wish I could tell you more, but in my notes, all I wrote was "twist, twist, twist and dog shampoo." I've really got to start taking better notes, and writing fewer grocery lists.

At the alley, Phil decorates a tree with a Star of David on top, claiming to have all the bases covered with both the Christians and the Jews. Ed asks about the Hindus. Phil pauses and asks whether Hindus are the special kind of Jews with funny hats. Meanwhile, I choke on my own saliva. Ed changes the subject before the ACLU decides to shut down the show by mentioning that he has devised a scheme to get even with Tucker Appliances. Phil's intrigued. Ed beams with pride as he hands Phil a flyer basically stating that Tucker's Appliance is having an appliance giveaway. It urges the townspeople to show up when the doors open, locate the appliances of their choice, and place their hands upon them. Whoever still has his hand on the appliance at the end of the day wins that appliance. The flyer also advises people not to let the store employees talk them into leaving the store, because that is part of the game. Phil confirms that Ed is one devious bastard.

Carol's back at her crib, listening to her answering-machine messages. Her grandmother is first, telling her that she's knitting Carol a hat and wants to know how big Carol's head is. Gee, Grandma, I don't know. Let's ask every male in Stuckeyville that she's rejected over the years. The list is endless. The second call is from Troy, who tells Carol that he can't wait to see her when he comes to town. Carol's excitement level moves up a few notches as we lurch headfirst into some...commercials.

Back at the bowling alley, Ed and Warren are hanging up Christmas lights when Warren accuses Ed of having a slight crush on Carol -- the new standard for the pot calling the kettle black. Ed, of course, denies having a crush on Carol, and confirms that the two are just friends. This prompts Warren to deduce that Carol dissed Ed. The lawyer in Ed won't allow him to argue the point. Instead, they discuss the fact that they're both losers; Ed tells Warren that he reminds Ed of himself when he was Warren's age. Warren asks how so, and Ed tells him that he had the hardest time asking girls out. Warren brings up Jessica Martell, the girl through whom he was staring holes earlier in the show. He has a bad case of the hornies for Jessica, but she doesn't know he exists. She's extremely popular, only dates jocks and writes really intense poetry Warren loves. ["Hey, just like our Jessica!" -- Wing Chun] Ed pleads with Warren to go say hi to her, and to take a shot at winning her over. Warren protests that he can't because she's too popular.Warren basically shifts into whiny-little-bitch-boy mode, too afraid to take a chance on love.

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Ed

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