Ed
Your Life Is Now

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Your Life Is Now

Back at the bowling alley, Phil is still reeling from the sheer genius of the "Appliance Giveaway" scam and offers Ed a sequel to the scam: he wants to sneak into the appliance store one evening, pour Spanish Fly into the water coolers, and watch the salesmen do each other. Ed declines to participate in "El Screw Around-o with Tucker-o Appliances-o II: Return of the Appliance Giveaway Scam." If I were Ed's lawyer, that's the tactic I would have strongly suggested as well.

Speaking of Ed's lawyers, as Ed and Phil discuss the merits of continuously screwing with Tucker's, a gentleman walks in and hands Ed a subpoena. He's being sued by Tucker's for $4,600, the amount of revenue the store lost for a day of business. This thickens the plot somewhat. If you're cooking chili, add cornstarch to the mix. This thickens the pot somewhat.

In court, Ed announces that he'll be representing himself. The judge reminds Ed that a person who decides to represent himself in court has a fool for a client. Ed says that he understands this and tried his best to talk himself out of hiring himself to represent himself, but he just doesn't listen to himself. I snorted when I heard that explanation and kinda peed my pants, but just a few droplets.

Back in the bowling alley, Warren is livid with Ed over his advice to seize the moment and approach Jessica, since that plan has now backfired, and Warren's nickname is now being severely jeopardized of being changed against his will from "Ches" to "Rack Checker-Outer". Warren claims that the entire ordeal was a complete disaster. Ed reminds Warren that since Plan A failed, Plan B should work. "What's Plan B?" Warren asks. Ed -- who hasn't came up with a Plan B yet -- just tells Warren that Plan B will work because it's HUGE.

Fast-forward to a diner, where all the popular school kids hang out. Warren is sitting at a table by himself, Ed at a table by himself, and Mike by himself. Ed gets up and then suddenly, very melodramatically, falls to the floor clutching his chest. Mike gets up and yells, "Is there a doctor in the house? This man is dying!" Warren gets up and loudly says, "Not today, he's not." Warren falls to his knees and begins pounding on Ed's chest, trying to bring Ed "back to life," screaming the most overused television medical-emergency clichés in the English language -- phrases like "don't go dying on me!" and "we're losing him!" are tossed out like yesterday's garbage as Warren continues pounding on Ed's chest. Finally, Warren slaps Ed hard across the face whereupon Ed decides that he has had enough of the melodrama. "What happened to me?" he warily asks. "I saved your life," Warren beams, before announcing, "Show's over folks. Let's go. There's nothing to see here." Jessica stands there and smiles sweetly at Warren, her new hero. Ed and Mike grin at the success of their ingenious plan.

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