In court, the opposing counsel is yelling about the affidavits that somehow no one will back up. Aw, it's Carlos Jacott, better known as Ramon The Pool Boy from Seinfeld! He was also the villain in the very first recap I did for TWoP. Can it be that we were ever so young? Anyway, Ramon the Pool Boy challenges Eli to produce evidence that the witnesses have been coerced, and on cue, Keith and Maggie enter the courtroom, and Eli asks Subcommander Judge for permission to call another witness -- Daryl Rhodes. The man appears, a tall, thin thing in a red cardigan, and when he takes the stand, he tells us that he used to be the warden's administrative assistant. However, he quit because he couldn't bear seeing the poor conditions at the prison. Also, if an inmate ever complained, the warden would have Daryl transfer him to another unit, and it was always one containing inmates that were automatically hostile to the transferred inmate's ethnicity. Eli tells Rhodes he's been through all of Tipton Bay's documents, and he hasn't found any corroborating evidence of Rhodes's story, but Rhodes says there was never anything in writing -- the warden would just call him in, and he'd get it done, and the inmates would never complain again.
The bigoted lawyer, "Ms. Bonilla," is apparently about three foot six, for you can barely see her as she tells Judge Phelps how "violently" opposed she is to what Taylor and Matt are proposing, which is to put Pete on the stand. There's a little bit where she has to move Judge Phelps's nameplate in order to get a clear look at her, which is funnier in practice than it sounds on paper. Judge Phelps continues to win my love by brushing Bonilla away like a gnat, and just like that, Pete is in the witness box, although I'm sure that everyone involved, no matter their differences, is glad that he's wearing a diaper. Taylor hands Pete a picture of Steve, and Pete holds it to his chest in what looks like a very loving manner. Taylor asks if he misses Steve, and Pete covers his eyes with the picture as Bonilla lets loose an eye-roll that she really should trademark. Taylor then inquires if Pete would like to see Steve, and Pete screeches and nods in response and then goes nuts as Steve is led into the room. Pete jumps out of the witness box, and the two chimps have a joyful, touchy reunion. Awwww. Taylor points out that they haven't seen each other since the separation, and she thinks it's pretty obvious how genuine their affection for each other is. Gays who have been denied marriage licenses all over the country smack their foreheads and ask, "Why didn't we think of that argument?" Judge Phelps says that's not really the issue -- the fact is, they're chimps, and if she were to rule in their favor, she's be creating new law, and her decision would be ridiculed and most likely overturned in six months or so. "It could even be a year. During which time Pete and Steve would be together." Oh, yeah -- Bonilla blanches, seeing what's coming, and Judge Phelps rules in favor of the chimps, as she thinks separating them would do them undue harm, under -- she nods Matt's way -- "the theory of chimpanzee tort protection." Hee. Bonilla hilariously yells that they made that up, and Judge Phelps smoothly counters, "Something I'm sure you'll point out in the appeal it'll take almost a month for you to draft and file." Network execs: Give her a spinoff. Taylor and Matt share an awkward but happy aborted embrace.