Jordan steps in on the Turk case, because Turk still won't give up his Hall of Fame eligibility by admitting to steroid use. Matt, however, convinces him that it's his only option, so the insanity plea goes forth. The trial gets ugly, and the judge ends up talking privately to Turk's wife -- and the wife tells her that the A.D.A. coached her to blurt out a privileged conversation between her and her husband, causing the judge to declare a mistrial based on prosecutorial misconduct, which counts as double jeopardy and kills the possibility of a retrial. Bennett, however, figures out that Turk and his wife conspired to create this outcome, and Matt is the saddest little boy in the frat as a result. But he forcefully pitches Jordan on dropping Turk as a client, and Jordan is so impressed that he names Matt his new heir apparent. Patti's upset that Eli's representing Salinsky, a developer who's apparently tearing down Patti's old neighborhood of Silver Terrace. Eli has a vision of an earthquake, which Chen thinks is Eli's punishment for representing a scumbag like Salinsky, but when Chen induces a replay of the vision, it seems like more is at stake -- the earthquake might actually come to pass and destroy Silver Terrace if Eli doesn't resolve the case successfully. Taylor and Eli try to get Salinsky (who's totally Richard from Sex And The City, by the way) to settle, and he does agree to pay $20 million, but Jeffrey Powell (Rob Nagle from Dawson's Creek, in case you don't remember) rejects that offer. Eli tries to get more money from Salinsky, and in the process confesses to Taylor that his visions are guiding his life. Powell subpoenas Patti to testify that her neighborhood is worth saving, but Taylor shuts her up good, as if I didn't like her enough. The judge tries to bribe Eli into greasing a relationship between his son and Salinsky; meanwhile, Eli has another vision, and in desperation, he tells Patti the truth about his prophetic powers and tries to get her to convince the Silver Terrace people to accept the settlement. Eli's gambit works -- except Taylor gets in his way, saying that now that they're already at trial, it makes no sense to settle. Maggie apparently has a boyfriend, which somewhat explains her total freakout about having kissed Eli, but she ends up having a chat with him, and he tells her about his visions too, although not quite as explicitly as he did with Patti and Taylor. She, however, of course believes him where no one else did, prompting him to try to kiss her, but she thankfully rebuffs him. The judge rules for Salinsky and orders the residents of Silver Terrace to vacate their neighborhood. All is not good, however, as first Taylor figures out that Eli acceded to the judge's slimy request, and then Eli, having a crisis of faith, yells at Chen that he's going to have surgery to fix his aneurysm. DUN!
Many thanks to Keckler for hilariously subbing in for me these last two weeks.
Eli's shaving and telling himself to have a good day with the aid of a book called Achievement Through Affirmation, which he has open by the sink. In a very "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough..." tone, he announces that there will be no George Michael songs and no visions. I know Eli's kind of a priss, but what guy shaves with his shirt on? True, I wouldn't complain if we were dealing with, like, Jim Belushi here, but I still think we're lacking vérité. Perhaps the powers above agree, as on cue, the room starts to shake, causing Eli to nick himself. Glass breaks around him, and he runs out to the living room in a panic and, as his TV falls over, squeals, "Not the plasma!" Hee. He grabs what looks like a trophy off the shelf and runs out into the hall yelling "Earthquake!" at the top of his lungs. Of course, anyone who wouldn't be aware of that occurrence, were it actually happening, would have to lack not only hearing but tactile sense as well, so this is all so the tatted guy in the hallway whom Eli almost bowls over can look at him like he's crazy and comment, in regard to the trophy, "Nice duck." Eli uncertainly heads back into his apartment, although I'd think he'd be a little happy here, considering his 50-inch is still in working order.
Patti: "I'm not in the mood, Eli." There's a banner headline. Eli asks Patti what she would pick in an earthquake if she only had time to save one thing. Considering her response, I'd have to guess her sassiness. Anyway, Eli notes that Patti has been Extra-Super-Sassy in the last week, and she tells him it's because he's representing that "scumsucking lizard" Salinsky. Patti's problem is that Salinsky is a developer who's going to turn her old community into a gentrified white neighborhood with Pottery Barns and Barnes and Noble and all the things that yuppies rely on these days. Not that her anger isn't understandable, but blaming the developer seems to miss the point. Shouldn't they be taking this up with the city? Anyway, Eli tells Patti that he made a deal with Jordan that if he took the case, he could get Patti back as his assistant, but Patti is unmoved, and storms off. Considering how much she hates working for Taylor, you'd think she'd at least thank him for the sentiment.
Oh, fab, it's time for Maggie in the break room. Let's shorthand this: Maggie has also been acting weird even for her all week, and Eli wants to talk about the kiss, but Maggie has a boyfriend (...okay, and: poor guy), and she wants to forget about it, and then Taylor comes in wanting to talk about Salinsky, and of course somewhat jealously notes that she's interrupting something. Maggie and Eli make unconvincing denials, and Eli leaves with Taylor as Maggie "Oh, Alice"-s herself. Next!