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Raiders of the Lost Vault

They roll around on the floor awhile before the Ferengi separate them. Felix tells Trip he accepts his offer. "You'll leave the women?" Trip asks. "You have my word as a businessman," Felix says. For whatever that's worth. Trip tells the Ferengi to follow him. Felix dumps his bag and turns to Grish and Muk, telling them to wait there. "So you can cheat us out of our share?" Muk asks. "Hide it in the bottom of your bag? I plan to count every bar of that gold myself before it leaves the vault." Felix assures him that they'll count it later, but Muk tells him that he knows him too well. Grish says, "If he's going, I'm going!" Krispy Krem steps forward and tries to show a little initiative, but they all laugh at him and make him stay. Poor Krispy Krem. "You…sure told him," Quantum says, slightly sarcastically. Shut up, Quantum. Krispy Krem orders him to get back to work, but Quantum fakes a back pain. "It's an old water polo injury. Flares up every now and then. I just need to rest," Quantum says, sitting down. Oh, god, the water polo allusion! Krispy Krem whimpers that they don't have time to rest. "Then you better get working," Quantum says. Krispy Krem locks Quantum to the wall and starts carting things out himself.

Trip leads the Ferengi all over the ship in pursuit of the Lost Vault. The Ferengi complain that they're going in circles. I get slightly bored, and it was at this point that Mathra challenged me to "Six Degrees" Star Trek to our cherished British sitcom As Time Goes By. Patrick Stewart was in Robin Hood: Men in Tights with Cary Elwes, who was in Lady Jane with Helena Bonham Carter, who was in Room with a View with Judi Dench, in case you were wondering.

On the Scarab Ship, T'Pol emerges from her hiding place and asks Krispy Krem, "Have you come to rescue me?" Krispy Krem jumps, points his weapon at her, and asks how she woke up. T'Pol tells him that whatever knocked everyone else out didn't work in the same way on her. "My body works differently than the humans," she says, seductively. "Hoo-manns?" Krispy Krem repeats. T'Pol says, "That's the name of their species, they're a terrible race. Deceitful, cruel." Krispy Krem asks why she lives with them. "It wasn't my choice," T'Pol says, looking at him limpidly. "I'm a captive here, they've enslaved me." Blalock's voice cracks convincingly on the "enslaved" part. T'Pol takes a step closer to Krispy Krem, who lowers his gun. "Please, take me with you," she pleads. "You would make a handsome wife," Krispy Krem breathes, "Do you know how to perform oo-mox?" T'Pol says, "I'm well-trained in the arts of pleasure [is that part of the distribution requirements on Vulcan?] but I'm unfamiliar with oo-mox." Krispy Krem tells her to stroke his lobes. Eww! "Like this?" T'Pol says, stroking. Krispy Krem makes ooky sighing noises. T'Pol continues to stroke his lobes down to his neck, and administers the second Vulcan nerve pinch we've seen on Enterprise. Krispy Krem falls to the ground, and T'Pol holds up a ring of keys. She pulls a phaser out of a suitcase and leaves the Scarab Ship. How many frontal lobotomies do Bermaga assume are out there watching this show? Do they truly think that viewers are going to react to this scene with, "Heh heh, boobies. Heh heh, pretty lady. Heh heh, sexual innuendo"? For crying out loud! Not only do I demand original plots, but I demand original scenes as well, not something that was recycled from TNG's "Menage a Troi." Hey, writers? Do you remember that you made T'Pol a Vulcan? You do? Well, good, because being a Vulcan means she could've knocked Krem's Krispy ass into the middle of next week without having to resort to secondhand sexual advances to distract him in order to give him a nerve pinch. Maybe you should go out and buy The Star Trek Encyclopedia and remind yourself of what it means to be a Vulcan so that you can stop making T'Pol the big-breasted patsy of your adolescent wet dreams.

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