Enterprise
Affliction (1)

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Reed Cries When He Spies

A ship fires on Enterprise. Four longhaired, very tan hippies beam aboard, and take out a red-stripe before he can call for help. They run all over the ship and have fun climbing Jeffries tubes. Aw, they're adorable little killers! Hoshi reports the boarding and triangulates the infiltrators' current location. Quantum orders the tube sealed off and the Uh-Ohs deployed. The tan hippies speak Klingon as they run around accessing things and firing at Uh-Ohs. They have a chat with their ship, telling them where to fire. The attacking ship fires again. Quantum wants the attacking ship disabled. The tan hippies return to the transport sight. You know, I don't care what Worf says -- with their leather jerkins, red stockings, high boots, and hair styles, they all look exactly like Robin Hood's Merry Men. Uh-Ohs try to stop the Merry Men but ultimately don't. One Merry Man falls. I think it's Little John. The attacking ship activates their transporter and goes to warp. Enterprise can't pursue because the helm isn't responding.

Sickbay. Little John is strapped to a bed. Quantum strides in and barks, "Wake him up!" Hoshi and T'Pol follow the captain into Sickbay. Little John is hyposprayed awake and struggles to break free. "Why did you attack us?" Quantum demands. "Jibber-jabber!" says Little John. "I have nothing to say to you, human," Hoshi translates. Quantum furrows wonderingly around: "That sounds like --" "Klingon," Hoshi finishes. T'Pol boggles that Little John's bio-signature shows him to be Klingon. Quantum stares down at Little John, thinking, "But his forehead...so smooth...I've gotta get the name of his facialist!" By the by, this Klingons aren't nearly as shiny black-faced as the ones in TOS. I mean, really -- if you're going to waste two episodes explaining a makeup deviation, you might as well get the makeup right.

Situation Room. Reed insists that Little John must have been surgically altered to look human. T'Pol reports they won't be warp-ready for about six hours. Quantum orders May-Darling-Buds-Of to help their "new engineer" get the most out of their engines. Quantum asks after the freighter's black box. "It was erased," T'Pol says. "It might've been a safeguard," Reed puts in quickly, "in case it fell into the wrong hands." Quantum orders T'Pol to work with Hoshi to reconstruct any recoverable data, and leaves Reed to stand around looking suspicious.

Quiznos that isn't. Phlox finds something familiar with the base-pair sequences he's looking at. A targ snuffles at Phlox's feet. Phlox raises his arms in a move that's a little too fastidious for the creature-loving doctor. Antaak calls off his targ, saying that feeding time is over. "Do you think it's wise to keep wild animals in here?" Phlox says, his time away from Enterprise making him promptly forget about all the filled and shrieking cages in his Sickbay. "There are dozens of creatures in your Sickbay," Antaak points out. Wait, how does he know that? Did Reed tell him? Phlox says he doesn't let them roam free. "I could never keep Boxshar locked up -- he was my first patient!" and because that wasn't sufficient to make us see this Klingon's heart of latinum, he goes on, "He tore his side open when I was a child. I stitched the wound myself." Phlox suddenly realizes where he's seen the base-pair sequences before: "This is Augment DNA!" Whaaaat? The Klingons weren't ugly enough, they had to go piss around in that gene pool? Phlox wants answers. Welkom Wagon points out the obvious: "It only took two human Khannabees to commandeer a Bird of Prey and murder its entire crew! The Empire could not allow an inferior species to gain an advantage on us -- imagine, every Starfleet vessel manned with genetically engineered humans!" Phlox insists that Earth banned genetic engineering decades ago and that the Khannabees were just a few moldering leftovers in the back of the Starfleet fridge. Apparently, the Klingon High Council didn't believe this explanation as related to them by the Vulcans, and now feel that they are simply responding to a threat. Phlox realizes that they've been trying to create Klingon Khannabees, "but Soong's Khannabees were all killed -- where did you get the genetic material?" Antaak tells him that embryos were found in the wreckage of the Bird of Prey and they used them on test subjects: "There were some unanticipated side effects." "The cranial ridges started to dissolve," Phlox explains to those of us in the audience who haven't gauged our eyes out in despair and frustration over the ridiculousness of this plot. "Khannabee DNA was more aggressive than you realized, hmm?" But why would Klingons create genetically-engineered Klingons from human DNA? Wouldn't that, pardon the expression, dilute their gene pool? Make them less Klingon and therefore less genetically Klingon advanced, especially since the Klingons fervently believe that humans are so inferior to them? Am I really STILL trying to find rhyme and reason in these episodes? Antaak goes on that their experiments seem to work for a time, but then their test subjects' neural pathways broke down and they died in agony. "One of the test subjects was suffering from Levodian flu -- the Augment genes modified the virus," Antaak goes on. And then Barclay turned into a spider. Phlox finishes that the virus became airborne, and this more virulent, genetically superior Khan Virus is what's killing all the Klingons off. Phlox bellows about not being told this sooner. Welkom Wagon orders Phlox to stop jabbering and start resulting as if his life depended on it. Because it does.

Enterprise. Hoshi and T'Pol stare at the black box. "We may be able to reconstruct the directory with a recursive algorithm," T'Pol says. "And that's about as impressive a mathematical statement as one that belongs on a show that's all about 'math' and 'math jargon' while really saying nothing at all," the Evil Dr. Mathra snaps. That Numb3rs show really has him steamed. Can't say I blame him -- you don't call a mathematician, who has such high security clearance that you can't even name the level of security clearance, to a crime scene and then DISCUSS that aforementioned security clearance. You also don't bring your work HOME WITH YOU if you have that security clearance, or, you know, a brain cell. Stupid shows with their non-research and their attempts to make people think they're learning something when really the show is just being lazy and dressing it up with verbiage and fake jargon. Just plain lazy. Anyway, back to the show I both hate AND recap. Hoshi wonders if it's unusual to have strange dreams after a mind-meld. Since it's normal to have strange dreams at ANY point in your life, I'd say, um yeah? Hoshi goes on that she had a bizarre dream and Trip was in it and they were in a Beatles album and it almost had a "romantic quality" to it and I don't care. Really, I don't care if Hoshi's in a threesome with them, I don't care if Hoshi knew Trip and T'Pol were involved and is now just trying to make T'Pol jealous, I JUST DON'T CARE! Do you know WHY I don't care? Because it's REALLY hard to care when you notice your brain stem running down your arm!

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Enterprise

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