Enterprise
Awakening (2)

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Welcome To Planet Crack Whore

The Throaty Reed Instruments of Primitive Mystery with Vague Native American Overtones play. Deep in the caverns of the Geordi, T'Pol, Quantum, and SURAK'S FUCKING KATRA are brought before T'Pau Bonham Carter. All the Syrrannites have the nappy mullets so popular with fringe dissidents because fringe dissidents can never get their hands on truly quality hair products, and T'Pau sort of looks like what Chekov might look like if he grew his wig into a mullet. I don't think that's a compliment for either actor. They make with the not-so-cordial introductions. "And you must be T'Pol," T'Pau Bonham Carter says. T'Pol just tips her head to the side. T'Pau looks over at a Syrrannite lackey, who moves off to do something. It's always so fascinating how rebel leaders can communicate orders to their lackeys without words. I wonder if it works as well around the dinner table. All is silent except for a few stares that mean, "Pass the salt," "Where's the gravy?" and "Why did he get more roast targ than me?" Quantum says he's there to find the person who bombed the Earth embassy: "Her name is T'Pau and she looks ahelluva lot like you!" Quantum's voice quivers with barely suppressed anger. If he must carry around SURAK'S FUCKING KATRA, why can't he get a little self-control along with it? "I am T'Pau," T'Pau snaps. Quantum hustles forward, only to be restrained by one of the Syrrannites. "You murdered my friend!" he spits out. "Along with forty other people." T'Pau denies all involvement and says she hasn't left the desert for two years, despite their evidence to the contrary. Quantum bellows that she's lying and T'Pau tells him he has a lot to learn about Syrrannites. Wait for it. "You have a lot to learn about humans!" Quantum retorts. But see, I don't think they want to learn about humans, Quantum, so shut up a bit, okay? "We don't sit back and do nothing while our people are attacked!" "No, you traverse vast wastelands based on false information," T'Pau announces. ZING! Quantum and T'Pau trade a few more smoldering barbs when T'Pol calls out mechanically, "Moth-er." T'Ma steps into view and is pleased to see her daughter. Quantum says there's no one else with them at this time, but T'Pau refuses to believe they made it this far on their own, what with it being Sandfire season and all. Don't you just love the Sandfire season, though? The music, the decorations, the thought that certain death most likely lurks around every monolithic rock -- it's just all so festive! The Quantum and TPol explain that their success in the Geordi is all due to the Chuckling Vulcan, who is now dead. T'Pau takes the news rather badly and reveals what we already knew, that the Chuckling Vulcan's real name was Syrran and he was their leader. No, really? Is that why you guys are called "Syrrannites"? Wow. That's some crazy shit! Now, if Syrran was so all-important, then why didn't he have a security detail with him? At the very least he should've been wearing an aluminum foil hat.

T'Pol and Quantum are escorted to some cavern room, and Quantum proceeds to stumble about in pain. T'Pol is concerned. "I'm all right," Quantum groans. "Right before The Chuckling Vulcan died, he grabbed me, he put his hand on my forehead." Okay, last week, it was that the Chuckling Vulcan punched him -- for which I called him a wimp -- and now he's just changing his little tune, isn't he? Quantum groans on, "I felt something inside my head." That's a new experience for you, isn't it, Quantum? T'Pol wonders if the Chuckling Vulcan was trying to meld with him. "I don't know, but ever since then, I haven't been myself." It's good that he can see the silver lining.

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