Babel One (1)

Episode Report Card
Keckler: B- | Grade It Now!
Shran McCain stands in the wreckage of his ship and curses the Tellarites responsible. He orders his remaining crew to the escape pods.

I say I lost my faith. I had no faith to lose.

Channeling me in the BIGGEST way, Hoshi goes off on Quantum with all manner of complaints. Quantum shoots back and addresses her complaint about Chef's food by saying she could stand to skip the desserts while she's at it. After that last remark, Quantum and Hoshi stare at each other. Arms crossed, Hoshi finally cracks a smile and tells him that was a nice touch. Aw, she's so pretty! Why don't they use -- no, no. I can't go there. That's the bad place. Quantum expositions that he can't believe he's supposed to talk to the Tellarite ambassador that way, and Hoshi reminds him that Tellarites are born complainers. It's their way. I think I secretly want to be a Tellarite. Quantum sniffs, "A species that actually thrives on arguing? They'd probably make good politicians." That's a dumb joke, Quantum. And not very original. Here's mine: They'd probably make good recappers. Ha! You suck, I rule -- mini-wave in celebration of me! A-woo-hoo! Hoshi tells Quantum that he should keep Porthos out of sight. "You think he's mangy?" Quantum boggles, thinking she's going back to one of her earlier complaints. "Tellarites consider canines something of a...delicacy," Hoshi admits. As do certain Asian cultures, right? Quantum looks horrified as the adorable pup wags his tail and creeps forward on his mat. Yeah, maybe you shouldn't have been stuffing him with savory herbed and smoked cheeses all these years. And while you're at it, take that apple out of his mouth.

As the ship orbits, Quantum explains in his log of Intimate and Boring But Usually Captainly Thoughts that they are transporting the Tellarite Ambassador to a conference at the neutral planet of Babel, to settle a trade dispute between the Tellarites and the Andorians. The humans will be acting as mediators. Trip bitches that his "people" have been working triple shifts to finish the mud baths the Tellarites wanted. "'Mud baths'?" Quantum repeats. How is he not aware of the Tellarites list of creature comforts, especially if Trip's "people" are working so hard on it? "Yeah, apparently, they like a good soak in the morning," Trip explains snarkily. So, because the Tellarites look like pigs, they obviously act like pigs as well? Whatever, writers. Are you going to give them a trough to snuffle in and make them more intelligent than humans, too? As the Exposition Beam lights up the conversation, we learn that the Andorians don't allow Tellarite ships through their space, thus the need for the Enterprise taxi. "So, now we're a shuttle service," Trip states. "Whin are we goin' to git back to explorin'?" Maybe whin you stop whinin'! Quantum tells him to grow up. Well, not exactly, but it's what I heard.

The Tellarites exit a sh'pod and face Quantum, who says, "You people are even uglier than I remember!" Dude, you didn't even allow the Ambassador Wilbur to have the first word! What if he decided to embrace human customs and not be insulting? Wait a minute, Hoshi said they were argumentative, not, you know, dicks. I think Quantum doesn't know the definition of "argue." I think Quantum's an idiot. They introduce themselves and Wilbur sticks out his hand to shake. Quantum's taken aback. See? They are attempting to act human. Ass. Wilbur complains that the ship, the "pride of Starfleet," is small and unimpressive. "Funny, I was about to say the same about you," Quantum counters. Note that Wilbur complained about the ship, not Quantum, yet here is Quantum making a personal attack. Prick. However, Wilbur seems to like it and says Quantum can show them to their quarters. More complaints from the Tellarites about the temperature of the ship. T'Pol gives Quantum a look. You know what she's really thinking -- hell, what we're ALL thinking -- is, "It's a good thing being an asshole comes so naturally to him."

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