Quantum gets kidnapped by a Tellarite bounty hunter who -- wonders-of-wonders -- turns out to have a conscience AND a heart of gold. What are the odds? But before Quantum finds that little bit of treasure, we have to learn that the Klingons put a big price tag on the captain's furrows, because he's the only living thing to escape from Rura Penthe and they're mad about that. After fooling around with some alien marsupials, Phlox and T'Pol bring back a virus that makes the Vulcan hot-to-trot with a predilection to climb all over Phlox in the Decon chamber. I took eight showers during this episode and I still feel unclean.
Big props to byobkenobi for pointing out the obvious and hilarious true name of this episode.
Look, I'm sorry, but I was so immeasurably bored by this entire episode that I had serious plans laid out in which I would take a vegetable peeler and skin myself and then make objets d'art, just to have something to distract me from the traipsing television tediosity. T'Pol performing The Predictable Prance Of Promiscuous Pon Farr in her sweaty, gapey underthings was no more nor no less exploit-y than I thought it would be. It was a ratings stunt, they did it, and from what I've read, it didn't exactly work. 'Nuff said. As for Quantum and his Boba Nyet -- the chain of words "pathetically predictable in a really drudging sort of way" springs to mind. I culled enjoyment from only two things in this sprawling banquet of tarradiddle: Jordon Lund's snarky and mellifluous portrayal of the bounty hunter, and the fact that T'Pol eats Le Puy lentils.
Quantum logs that he and Trip were exploring an uninhabited planet when they were called back to greet an "unexpected visitor." I'm taking bets that it's not Sidney Poitier -- any takers? In the turbolift, Quantum and Trip argue jocularly over their rock climbing experience. "I dinnit slip. That overhang gave way the moment I put my foot on it," Trip insists. "I walked on the same rocks you did," Quantum says. "Well, mebbe you loosened it -- you do weigh a few kilos more than I do," Trip says. Yeah, but it's all Furrow Weight. Something that scares me about this scene -- Trip and Quantum are wearing the exact same desert sandy uniforms they wore last season when they met Osama Bin Dribblin', which was also the second of two eps that they tortured me back-to-back with in the middle of May. Considering that the skintight suits have the same sweat and dirt stains as they did a year ago, I'm thinking they're not members of the OxyClean Club. They should really try it -- my chef's jacket has never been brighter, although I am starting to wonder about the crusty rash that has been developing on my neck and wrists.
Bridge. Quantum asks Reed for the straight poop (no one else is more qualified to give it, eh?), and Reed says that a Tellarite freighterman insists on talking to Quantum face-to-furrow. Quantum rings up the Tellarite and asks what he can do him for. "You can start by telling me what you're doing here," the Tellarite barks. They did a stupendous job on the makeup here -- it's definitely more detailed and intricate than the Tellarite's in "Journey to Babel." Quantum says he didn't catch the ugly dude's name. "Captain Skalaar of the Tellarite Mining Consortium," Skalaar tells him. Quantum says that he and a team of Bunsen Honeydews are studying the planet and also on shore leave. He then has to explain what "shore leave" is. "In that case, I'd recommend you visit the equatorial range -- the view from the north summit is inspiring," Skalaar says, suddenly changing his adversarial tone. Quantum divines that the Tellarite has been there before. "Many times -- I prefer to think of it as my own personal retreat. You mustn't leave until you've experienced the hydrothermal pools of Ren-gham. Mmm!" Skalaar juices. Quantum asks where those things are, and as Skalaar rattles off some complicated directions, Trip comments that it sounds like they could use a guide. Skalaar says he'd be happy to show them the way. As well as take them to the river and wash all their illusions away, I'm sure. "Sure we're not intruding?" Quantum asks. "Not at all. I'll meet you at your starboard docking port -- I'll help you plan your shore leave," Skalaar says, and hangs up.
Back in their traditional togs, Quantum tells Trip that T'Pol says the Tellarites aren't the most agreeable species: "Apparently, they enjoy a good argument. It's considered sport on their planet." It's considered sport on my forums -- maybe some of my posters are Tellarites. Although, as I pick the skin, bones, and other sundry fleshy bits off this rotting corpse of an episode, I realize that after this sole mention of how lawyerly the Tellarites are, nowhere else is it demonstrated. The bounty hunter never comes off as argumentative, and neither does his brother. I mean, they argue with one another, but certainly not enough for it to be considered a marked trait of their species. I think it would have been funny if they had explored that particular facet a little more. Trip sniffs, "I've got an old girlfriend this guy might like to meet." Just the one? Trip releases the airlock, and the Tellarite fires at him. For some reason that made me jump during my second viewing. Quantum fights with Skalaar and loses.