MONDO EXTRAS

La Williams joins them half-draped in chocolate brown shimmery gauze and says she can't find Björf anywhere. Yeah, but how hard was she really looking? Quark gets to his feet and says there's no sense waiting around for Björf. "I say we take some floaters [DOODIE!] up into the hills and go skinny-dipping in the hot springs," he adds. Bashir clambers eagerly to his feet and says, "I never thought I'd say this, but I'm with Quark." Yes. Yes you are. So, you want to go skinny-dipping with Quark? Well, what happens at Risa stays at Risa. Suddenly, there's a thunderclap and a flash of lightning. Dax turns to La Williams and says she thought it wasn't supposed to rain in that part of Risa. La Williams looks concerned and says there must be something wrong with the weather grid. Ah, I detected Björf's crafty Scandinavian hand in all this -- it's what comes from eating all that lutefisk and listening to A Prairie Home Companion every Sunday.

As the rain continues, the tourists wrap themselves in every possible imagining (including Mondrian) of Joseph's Technicolor dreamcoat and schlump around the gauzy complex. La Williams makes brief announcements to the effect that they she's sure they will be able to fix the weather grid soon. "No, you won't," says Drab Man, stepping drably out of his drab crowd. "You're responsible for this!" Dax accuses. Um, duh, Dax. Does that icoberry allergy extend to making your brain itch as well? "Oh, I authorized it, but it wasn't my idea," Drab Man assures her. Björf steps forward, holding a red-flashing handheld thing: "It was mine!" Bashir is dumfounded, as is Dax, but she's not too dumbfounded to exposit the technobabble: "Björf, what did you do -- build an uplink so you could take control of the weather grid?" Björf explains that the grid has been disabled, and will remain so for three to four days so Risa's inhabitants and guests can experience Risa's natural weather patterns. "And for most on Risa, that means RAIN and PLENTY of it!" La Williams says, shouting above the, um, rain. Quark wants to know why they're doing this. "Because Risa is an illusion created by weather control systems, industrial replicators, seismic regulators -- if the Federation is going to survive we're going to have to stop wasting our time with toys and get back to the essentials." Hence their name, the Essentialists. I just thought I'd point that out in case you missed the anvil report at the top of the hour. You know, this whole anti-Risa thing is just like people saying that in order for the U.S. to survive, Hawaii needs to stop being all tropical and beautiful and start getting real. Or that Las Vegas is going to be the thing that single-handedly brings down all of North America. Wait, I might agree with that one. Staring unblinkingly after Drab Man as he retreats, La Williams says, "I'm beginning to think there's no hope for that man." Lightning crashes. "Or you either, Mr. Björf," she adds, and stalks off. Burn! Especially without SPF 55!