Episode Report Card
Keckler: D+ | Grade It Now!
Hoshi and the Beast

After my relative satisfaction with last week's rip-off of classic horror that kept me somewhat enthralled, now they take a page from Disney and rip-off a fairytale. Of course, it stands to reason that I prefer rip-offs like The Jungle Book, The Rescuers, Robin Hood, and The Aristocats, because my grandfather wrote them. Unfortunately, there was very little writing that was good in this episode. The whole plot was not only laughable but predictable. But by far, the biggest disappointment was the star. I'm certain that fans of Linda Park would have been thrilled if, when she's finally treated to another Hoshi-centric episode, La Park had moved herself to do more than iChat it in. The only way I could have been less enthused with this episode is if I had been lying in a crystal coffin, surrounded by circus freaks, with a chunk of apple stuck in my windpipe. Actually, that sounds slightly more entertaining than this was. And Hoshi prancing about in sundresses and slides in a drafty stone castle on top of a snowy mountain? Puh-leese!

Hoshi's Quarters. She wears short-shorts and dares wear short-shorts as she hears someone call her name but sees no one. The voice asks if she understands him. Hoshi looks around. She sees a shadowy figure in the corner of her room and calls for security. But the figure is gone.

I shook Song-Be-Gone all over my television set, and when that didn't work, I set it on fire.

T'Pol puts in OT with the Xindi star charts, and is discovered in all her veloured glory by Quantum. Okay, last week we got a preview of a Violet Velouring Vulcan, but this color doesn't look quite the same. It's much more pink. Her line of Voluptuous Vulcan Velour reminds me of the floor of the Teletubbies' dressing room. I'm just waiting for her to break out the greens and yellows -- maybe even black. Black would be cool -- it would really bring out her new highlights. I really don't want to stop talking about her clothes, because that means I have to take the tape off pause and be really bored for the five hours it takes to recap this. In the blue light from the viewscreen, her VVV looks more purple now. T'Pol's investigations have lead to her to discover a second Bad Breath Star. T'Pol reveals that the anomalies they've been experiencing occur where gravimetric waves between the two spheres intersect, which means they might be able to predict the anomalies. They need to find the second sphere and scan it for important information. Quantum orders a course set.

Bridge. Reed tells Hoshi -- who seems really bored -- that he ran every scan in the book and discovered no sign of an intruder. Reed tries to comfort Hoshi by telling her she's just going crazy and that it's perfectly natural. "Just the other night I thought I heard clicking sounds in my quarters. For a moment, I could've sworn there was a Xindi-Insectoid lurking in the shadows," he says. No, that's not a Xindi; you're just being ferreted off the ship and having weird and disturbing experiments performed on you. Hoshi insists that she didn't see a shadow. Uh, hon? Neither did Reed; he said it was in the shadows. Try listening harder and maybe you won't be so bored.

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