Enterprise brings aboard a Vulcan ambassador with A Past. That aforementioned Past rushes to catch up with her and Quantum helps her by pushing his tin can to (gasp!) warp FIVE! Wait, didn't you hear me? I said "WARP FIVE!!" This keeps Trip busy slapping band-aids on the engine, and Reed casually mentions that he likes shooting other people. On Brown Noser Deck, T'Pol spends a lot of the episode apologizing to the Ambassador for the way Hoshi's quarters smell, and Phlox cries.
Oh! Oh! We missed something wacky that rapscallion T'Pol said, because Trip and Quantum are choking on their food and she's looking at them With Rais'd Eyebrow. "'Scuse me?" Trip splutters. "I asked if you --" T'Pol starts to say, but Quantum finally gets his voice cleared of food and interrupts, "We heard you! What makes you think we're suffering from a lack of sexual activity?" T'Pol explains that Starfleet forbids officers from "fraternizing" with subordinates. "So unless you're violating those regulations " T'Pol says, only to be interrupted by Trip saying, "Those regulations don't apply to you [here he exchanges leers with Quantum], have you been suffering?" "On Vulcan we mate only once every seven years," T'Pol states calmly. "That's a helluva dry spell," Trip sniggers. Um, hi? Yeah, I do believe Kov told you and Reed that very same little factoid in "Fusion." I was willing to overlook the fact that the Vulcan mating cycle is supposed to be a really DEEP, DARK, PRIVATE SECRET, because it's obvious Bermaga just don't care, but Christ on a Cracker, at least plug in long enough to recall that Trip is supposed to already KNOW about the freakin' "dry spell"! How's THAT for Continuity Yay!? Quantum does little to suppress his own sniggering, and asks why T'Pol's concerned about it. "It's my understanding that your mating ritual is effective in easing tension," T'Pol informs him. "That hasn't always bin my experience," Trip leches. "That might be because Malcolm always steals yer wimmin, fool!" Mathra says, pausing momentarily in his root datum computation. Quantum tries to control himself by acting more wooden than is his wont, and asks why T'Pol thinks they have tensions in need of easing. T'Pol notes that the crew's efficiency is down by three percent. "We've all gone about ten months without a break, I think it's normal for people to get a little sloppy," Quantum says, as Bermaga briefly inhabits the captain's body to make a point. T'Pol suggests a shore leave is in order, and says that she's researched "suitable planets" in the area and stumbled over an anvil called Risa. Trip worries what the Vulcan definition of "suitable" is. T'Pol tells them the planet's tropical with a bevy of perfect beaches and perfect bodies, all willing to do their best to ease tensions. Trip acts a little more lascivious than is necessary with a coffee cup.
Sing. Sing a song. Make it stupid. To last your whole night long. Don't worry if it's not good enough for anyone else to stand. Just sing. Sing a song.
Trip appears on the bridge in a civvies shirt so loud you could hear it in outer space. Quantum does a double-take, and T'Pol says, "If you're wearing that to impress the women on Risa, you may as well stay on board." Heh. "Rule nummer wun, you gotta be seen to git noticed, and I plan on gettin' noticed, " Trip smirks. Quite the Oscar Wilde with those bon mots, isn't he? "Don't say she didn't warn ya," Quantum says. Trip asks Quantum if he's figured out his itinerary yet, and Quantum says he's going to give Planet Anvil a pass. Because he's Captain Indomitable, and he doesn't need rest. Trip protests that Captain Iron Knickers needs this as much as he does. "No one needs this as much as you do," Quantum says. Is he saying that Trip's complexion could use a little help? Because, in front of the bridge crew, that's a little tacky. Quantum goes on to say that the ship will be quiet and he has some dusty volumes of technobabble piling up, so it will be pleasant to get some work done. "We're goin' to a planet with over two hunnerd registered Nuvian masseuses, and yer gonna sit in your cabin with a bunch of star charts," Trip says. T'Pol steps in to say that Trip's drool has a point. Quantum turns to her: "You think I need a massage." T'Pol states that the safety of the crew and ship rests in his needing-rest-to-be-efficient hands. Quantum hem-haws that he supposes he can take his tomes to a beach and read them. *Cough* what a nerd *cough*. Breep-breep. T'Pol reports they have a call coming in from Starfleet Command. "Transfer it to my Ready Room," Quantum says, heaving himself out of his chair. How is it that Kirk got away with not having a Ready Room? He should have asked for it as a signing bonus.