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Keckler: B- | Grade It Now!
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Home on the Rage
Do you want to know what TiVo's description of tonight's show is? "Trip goes with T'Pol to the planet Vulcan to meet her mother, T'Les, but when T'Pol reconsiders marriage to her former fiancé, he questions their relationship." Take out "the planet Vulcan" and I swear I've seen that episode of Friends, ER, Dawson's Creek, Jack and Jill, Gilmore Girls, Miss Match, Everwood, and Felicity.

Anyway.

A sh'pod zooms above a CGI'd San Franciscape and lands in a weird, flat roofless edifice jutting out into the water. It sort of looks like a British football field crossed with a destroyer, and an air hockey video game. What I don't understand is, why would you take the trouble of having such a massive structure jut out into the ocean and yet have no windows from which to see the water? It's a puzzler.

Quantum and Qrew stride up a red carpet and Admiral Forrest says, "Well done, Jonathan," but we all know that he's really thinking, "Curses -- foiled again!" Quantum delivers a speech with a stiffitude to end all stiffly stiffness, but tries to counteract his very stiffosity by bobbing his head around like a blind porpoise with ADD. It's very distracting. While the captain is stiffing out that his crew, and not him, are the real heroes of the mission, T'Pol stares out at the cheering crowd and tries hard not to CRACK WHORE her shit all over the place. In a moment of "thoughtful" "solemnity," Quantum mentions their lost crewmen and we're all supposed to feel sad. However, I can't help but wonder where this "thoughtful" "solemnity" was when Trip lost what we are later led to believe was the only family member he had left in the world. At any rate, during this mention of the twenty-seven honored dead, Reed looks over and nods at May-Bar-Fly like, "Yeah, that's true," and May-Bar-Fly's look says, "Yeah, he's right -- people did die." I'm sure it was intended to be a "moment" but it was unintentionally quite humorous. Or maybe I'm just sick and twisted.

Did you know that if you play the theme song backwards, it says "Keckler will die"?

In a bar, that may or may not be the 602 Club, Quantum stalks right up to the bar and orders a Scotch. Ah, you see, it's a testament to how much Quantum has Gone Through that he now drinks Scotch instead of beer. In fact, remember who did drink a lowball of the whisky variety in that episode? That asshole, A.G., which, of course, logically means that Quantum is now an asshole too -- something I've been saying all along. Clever, writers. Clev-er. I'm oddly depressed by the fact that bars of the future decorate their walls with neon art in what can only be a psychotic fit of '80s nostalgia. Some chick, holding an elegant glass of red wine, disengages herself from a conversation and goes right up to the glowering captain. Man, if you didn't want to be around people, Quantum, why'd you go to a bar? Freak. The chick -- who on second glance might be too old to be called such -- taps Quantum on the shoulder, and they begin a strained banter with one another. Quantum unsmilingly congratulates Grandchick on her promotion to captain. Great. Just great. So this century allows women to be captains, whereas in "Turnabout Intruder," Kirk's "world of starship captains doesn't admit women." Wow. One giant leap for man, one giant leap back for women. They toast her promotion and Quantum makes the Whisky Face. Grandchick gets right down to brass tactlessness and asks what The Expanse was like. Honey, I appreciate that getting polite conversation out of this man is like squeezing furrows from a stone, but as you're now a captain, I'd think you'd have access to the reports and might actually want to read them before you start asking Quantum to tell you about all the people he's robbed, killed, and threatened with an airlock. Also, those chewed off bangs? Didn't look good on Feeble Halliwell and they don't look good on you. Quantum tells her she'll hear all about it at the debriefing the next day. More strained banter about a WWIII epic movie that "swept all the awards" (like, ha ha. Not), and what Earth was like when everyone feared the world was coming to an end. Lots of sex and weddings, apparently. See, if I was living in a world where we were "all waiting to see if the Xindi were coming back to finish the job," I don't believe I would feel it was an ideal time to have a baby. Something about being worried that the baby would be killed in another attack or, you know, left orphaned and then enslaved by the Xindi. But maybe that's just me. Quantum comments that he doesn't see a ring on Grandchick's finger, and she snarks, "I'm married to Starfleet -- just like you," with a very bitter smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes. Great. Nine to one they're going to be in the sack before my beer needs refilling.

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Enterprise

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