Enterprise
In a Mirror, Darkly, Part II

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There Was an Evil Man Who Had An Evil Furrow
Goddamned UPN promo monkeys ruined the ending of this episode for us. Haaaaate. Oh, you want to watch this here episode that's coming up in THREE SECONDS? Well, let's show you what happens so you don't have to. There. Now you can turn the channel, watch another station, another show, and continue to kill the ratings for us. Thaaaaaanks. Punk-ass dillholes.

Defiant's Bridge. Evil Leaper bellows at Evil Trinneevil to get on various engineering things and then makes me guffaw by saying, "Release the ducking clamps." Sure, he meant "docking," but it's like he turned into The Kumars at No. 42 for a moment. Jackass. They're screwed for a bunch of ship functions, so Evil Leaper leaps around, evilly, glaring at people. Man, and I thought his regular furrows were bad, but these are…the same, actually. Reedvil says the shields are functional. "Raise THEM!" Evil Leaper says. It's like Bakula went and watched "The Corbomite Maneuver" and is now trying to act like a Shouting Vulcan all "STAND-byyy to-photow-GRAPH!". The ship can't break free of the clamps. Evil Leaper then does some dreknobabble, finishing with, "I'll alternate port and starboard thrusters. ThatshouldshakethemLOOSE." What a freak. Just a big, big freak. They break free, but the Tholians start dreamweaving. Because they believe it will get them through the night. However, unlike last week's triangulated icosahedron, this is more like a cat's cradle. Sans little boy blue, of course, but there's probably a man in the moon. Evil Leaper heaves us into the awesome credits.

I could watch these over and over again for the entire hour and feel I had spent my time wisely. I think it says something about the caliber of the regular credits that four peace-loving liberals and one Kiwi Green were hooting and hollering at all the death and destruction on the screen. Dr. Mathra really wanted that jet to be Bush's premature and immature "Mission Accomplished" moment because truly, if there was something evil...

More dreknobabble. Evil Trinneevil manages to do something that brings tactical online, and they fire their way out of spacedock. Evil Leaper asks, "Does this thing have half torpedoes?" Yes, he meant "aft," but again, his freakshow delivery is just so fucking distracting! They fire their half torpedoes and explode the station. I don't care that TOS' Enterprise didn't have aft torpedoes. This is the Defiant and that's good enough for this recapper. Reedvil announces that Enterprise's escape pods are out there and wanting to be rescued. Evil Leaper pauses for a bit BECAUSE WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE THAT HE MIGHT JUST MIGHT LET THEM ALL PERISH LIKE I'M JUST SO SURE HE WOULD EVER HAVE THE EVIL BALLS. Dillweed. Evil Leaper orders the pods brought aboard. Whatever, I'm over his "evilness."

Retro-briefing room with IADC computer banks in the background. Any sign of Ira? Any sign of anyone else who was addicted to Lynda Carter's Wonder Woman while growing up? Anyway, this begins the part of the episode where Dr. Mathra is convinced that Bakula is channeling herniated "Jimmy, I've got a surprise for you" Joey. "We neeeed warp driiiiive!" Evil Leaper rasps. Evil Trinneevil announces, "Engineering's been stripped to the bulkheads but the good news is --" "You just saved a bunch of money on your car insurance?" the Evil Dr. Mathra asks. He didn't like this episode as much as the first one. I guess the good news actually is that the stuff they need is in the hangar deck but Evil Trinneevil needs time to put it all back together. When Evil Trinneevil says he needs two or three days, Evil Leaper gets up in his face. Evil Trinneevil apologizes, saying defensively, "I'm not even sure what some of these systems are supposed to do -- it's like I'm chief engineer on a steamship." I'm sorry, but steamship is just too close to steamboat and steamboat is too close to pee-can pah and, well, Evil Trinneevil might as well be dressed up like Col. Sanders, running around inventin' the cotton gin. Evil Leaper makes with some threats while T'Pevil CRACK WHORES that they should make use of the alien workers who are rampaging about the ship somewhere. Evil Leaper wants the warp drive brought online right away so they can meet up with the Assault Fleet. T'Pevil doesn't think they are battle-ready, what with the total lack of people to run the damn ship. Evil Leaper yells that she's stupid and dismisses everyone. It looks like Phlevil and She-Ho made it, but what about Evil Porthos? Evil Leaper holds T'Pevil back shoves her down into a chair. Rubbing a gun under her jaw, Evil Leaper says he should kill her for last week's betrayal. Actually, he doesn't even say "kill," he says "shoot," which is just SO not evil. Plus: yeah, right. T'Pevil makes excuses and says that since Forrest is dead, her total allegiance is now pledged to Evil Leaper. Evil Leaper grunts, "I've never had trouble with your people until they became a part of this rebellion. If I had another officer capable of doing your job, I'd escort you to the nearest airlock." No. No, you wouldn't. Ass. Is it too much to hope that because the townspeople ignored him, an airlock will come along and eat him? Evil Leaper makes with the "threats" and the bad breath melting T'Pevil's Cheetos eye shadow before telling T'Pevil to get out. By the way? That eye shadow? Makes her look consumptive on top of anorexic. In the podcast, the Startrek.com guy thinks that T'Pevil's eye shadow is a "subtle" makeup change. Yeah, as subtle as Agent Orange.

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