What happens next is more pathetic than anything that I ever saw in TOS, and yes, I'm including the crawling Giant Pepperoni Pizza in that. Evil Leaper steps over some suitably clad and coiffed Defiant crew and looks around. Above him, we can see a CGI Gorn, hanging from the ceiling. Evil Leaper looks around a bit more and the Gorn falls on him. They fight. You know what? I can't even finish this tonight -- the CGI is SO bad, it's depressing the hell out of me, and I'm just going to have to pick this up tomorrow. I'm off to read Demian's recap of "The Legend of Sleepy Halliwell" because I know that will put me in a better mood.
Ugh. I'm back. And this scene does NOT improve upon acquaintance, so let's get it over with. Evil Leaper rolls around the floor with a CGI that makes Jar Jar Binks look like a miracle of science. In fact, this rendition puts me in mind of Calibos in Clash of the Titans. The CGI is also several shades paler than anything else in the scene and therefore just looks IN-credibly RI-diculously FAKE! Meanwhile, the dumbass Uh-Oh stands there batting at Jar Jorn with the butt of his gun. Hey, dude? Yeah, that other side of the gun, see, it's for firing. And for those who opine he was afraid to shoot Evil Leaper: one, and that's a bad thing? But two? He's a fricking TRAINED MILITARY COMMANDO! And by "trained" I mean that he is TRAINED to shoot one guy AND NOT THE OTHER! God. Jar Jorn goes after the Uh-Oh and, like, eats him or something. Eventually, Evil Leaper shifts the grav plating and shoots Jar Jorn dead. Or, you know, shifts the grav plating and turns off the projector. Look, they didn't need to bring back the papier-mâché (how cool would that have been, though?), but couldn't they have at least gone the Farscape-Scarran route?
Evil Leaper is rendezvousing with the assault fleet. In the mess, T'Pevil tries to bond with Phlevil over food cubes and Romulan Ale and the fact that both their races would be much more advanced if they betrayed the Terran Empire. Phlevil doesn't seem inclined to care. I'm somewhat inclined to note that we find out Reedvil isn't yet dead, but if he did die, there would be "several discreet celebrations." Also, Shakespeare's works are "equally grim" in both universes. Heh. Evil Leaper sounds the red alert and calls all hands to battle stations. I just had a thought -- since they are in an Evil Mirror Universe, does this mean their Evil Chef is Sandra Lee?
On another Starfleet ship, Gregory Itzin (who I like to think of as the poor man's Billy Joel), fights off rebel fleets as Admiral Black. Soevil, with a scraggly goatee that only in the furthest reaches of the imagination is as evil as Spock's goatee, is also serving on this ship. They take heavy damage. Using memorable and lovable torpedo-launching sound effects, Defiant rescues them, destroying a Vulcan ship in the process. T'Pevil is sad. Now that I think about it, her eye shadow is reminiscent of the color of Vulcan. Nice touch. But she still looks like she's about to cough blood if she doesn't eat something soon. May-Evil wants to blow up the retreating rebel ships, but Evil Leaper stops him, saying, "I want the other rebels to know what happened here." You want the other rebels to know that you're a penis bone. Evil Leaper languorously asks for Admiral Billy Joelette.