Precious Cargo

Episode Report Card
Keckler: F | Grade It Now!
Kiss Me, Ingrate

Enterprise pursues the alien ship. T'Pol and Quantum step onto the Bridge; Quantum orders May-I've-Got-An-Audition-On-Twilight Zone-Do-You-Think-That's-A-Good-Sign to hail them. It doesn't work. Reed fires at them and thinks he hit the port nacelle. The alien ship drops out of warp. Enterprise approaches the alien vessel, and Quantum looks up in time to see the alien ship farting yellow gasses in their faces. It's like a Bond car! T'Pol analyzes them as "-ites" and "-ions" as the alien ship speeds up to warp. Apparently, they were faking the hit their nacelle took, and Enterprise can't follow, because the alien ship's spooge screwed up the warp engine. The alien ship warps too far out of sensor range to be tracked. Why are your sensors so short-range, Grandmother? The better to SUCK with, my child.

Alien ship. Trip comes to just in time for Pod White to slap him lightly with a long hammer and shout at him in alien. Trip tells her to cool off and tries to explain, in English, that he's not working "for them." Regardless, Pod White decides to keep telling him that she's going to rip his ears off and sneeze in his eye sockets. With words and wild gesticulations, Trip encourages Pod White to drop her weapon so that he can untie her. She seems to understand this, and complies. At this point, Hygiene Alien comes in with a gun and threatens Trip that he better fix the stasis chamber and stuff the yammering Pod White back in there, or else. Trip learns that his ship and Cap'n are in a galaxy far, far away, and Hygiene Alien leaves him to his task. Trip unties Pod White's wrists, and she seems to thank him in alienish. "Yer welcome?" Trip says, and looks for his UT. They find it, and finally Pod White's speech becomes understandable for the viewing public. More's the pity, for, as the next forty minutes will show, she was a much better actress when we didn't know what she was saying. Have I mentioned what Pod White is wearing? No? Well, she's wearing a halter-necked, long pink dress -- with all the usually glittery qualities -- bordered in two inches of silver glittery band. Her hair is up -- which only means they've come up with some reason for it to tumble down later -- and festooned with lots of Swarovski crystal pins. In other words, she doesn't look like any doctor I've ever known.

Pod White demands to know how long she's been in stasis, but Trip doesn't have an answer for her. When Trip tries to comm Quantum, Pod White divines that he's an officer. "Chief Engineer," Trip agrees, and comments that they've gone to warp. "WHAT do you KNOW of my ABDUCTORS?" Pod White whines. Man, does she stink up the airwaves, or what? Her delivery is pure Cinemax. Cinemax late, late at night, if you catch my continental drift. Pod White wants to know what Trip knows about her captors, but Trip only knows that they were tricked into believing the aliens were cargo pilots. "I am their PRISONER. I was re-TURNING from a DIP-lomatic MISSION when they ATTACKED my TRANS-port, MUR-dered my GUARDS," Pod White says. Was she on a diplomatic mission to Alderaan? Then she shouldn't act so surprised, since she wasn't on any mercy mission. Sorry -- thoughts of better days direct my fingers. "You DON'T know WHO I am, DO you?" Pod White demands. I do know that someone mislead you into believing they were casting a part thirty-five years ago, opposite Shatner. Trip plays dumb. It's too easy for him. "My FAM-ily is KNOWN on MILL-ions of WORLDS," Pod White informs him. Trip shrugs that Earth isn't on their subscription list: "So I take it yer not a doctor." "I AM FIRST MON-arch of the SOV-ereign Dy-NASTY of Krios PRIME," Pod White recites. Here's a little fun fact to know: "Krios" is the name of the planet Kamala comes from in "The Perfect Mate." Was that intentional? Trip tells her his less impressive name, and asks what the aliens are after. Of course, since this show can't come up with anything more interesting, they're just after a measly ransom. Why couldn't they come up with something like her abductors being after her toenails, which serve as embryonic pods for their species? Trip thinks they only have to find a way off the ship so that Quantum can find them. "And HOW do you PROPOSE we DO that?" Pod White asks. I mentioned before what a large mouth she has, but it's just so evident when she delivers her lines that someone once told her lots of extreme jaw movement makes for good acting. Trip think she saw sh'pods somewhere. "You ARE not to LEAVE this CHAMBER," Pod White orders. Trip looks at her and says, "With all due respect, I'm not one of your subjects." No, he's quite correct -- he's not one of her subjects. He's one of her predicates. Pod White tries to pull more rank, but Trip's all, "Stay here and order yer damn self around, then!" so she stops jawing.

Enterprise. Quantum and T'Pol interrogate Nervous Alien, but don't get anything out of him. Not even a warp signature of his ship. Nervous Alien indicates that he's annoyed with his partner for ditching him and would be happy to help Quantum and Qrew out any way he can, but he doesn't know anything about warp engines or navigation. Quantum sets his jaw and orders T'Pol to secure him in the airlock and post a guard. "We'll keep the outer hatch unlocked. If you decide to leave, you know the way out!" Quantum furrows. "Okay, Mal!" Mathra snaps. I just noticed that the ribbon around T'Pol's "waist" is directly under her dinners -- she's got a Jane Austen Empire waistline! It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single Vulcan in possession of good logic must be in search of her emotional side.

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