Precious Cargo

Episode Report Card
Keckler: F | Grade It Now!
Kiss Me, Ingrate

Alien sh'pod. Trip is trying to fix something as Pod White squirms. He tells her that his job would be easier if she would stop moving around. I am NOT touching that one. "You're TOUCHING me!" Pod White whines. "I'm afraid I don't have much choice," Trip says, one of Pod White's knees under his chin. Pod White tells him that it's inappropriate for the First Monarch to be touched. He touched her when he removed her handcuffs, and when he helped her down from the crawlspace -- what's her beef with it this time? This Pouty Princess and the Rough-Edged Ragamuffin grim fairy tale was better when it was a coked-up Carrie Fisher and a young, nubile Harrison Ford. Don't go there, Bermaga. Trip invites her to take a walk outside until he's done, and Pod White stagily narrows her eyes at him and pouts out her lips. She can't even give good dirty looks -- I can give good dirty looks! They do some more sniping at each other, desperately trying to pile up some sexual heat from scraps of limp lines and lukewarm acting. Trip finally tells her to shut up and orders her to lift her butt. "MY what?" Pod White shrills. "Your behind -- your rear end, I haven't checked that panel yet," Trip tells her. He hasn't checked her ass panel? That's a new one. Trip checks some devices under Pod White's seat and tells her she was a lot more pleasant in stasis. And a better actress. Trip finds the landing thrusters, and lectures Pod White about how long they might be out there, so they might try getting along. "My hand," is Pod White's response. "You're sitting on my HAND!" Trip rolls his eyes and gets up. He didn't notice there were five bony things under his cheeks? Pod White says she'll try to get along with him, and then rolls her eyes and sticks out her chin. God, she is just so horrifically bad, it makes me long for the days of Grown-Up Vicki on The Love Boat. And to make it worse, she's not even that pretty. Yes, she's got regular features, good skin (through make-up and a television filter), is skinny, and was a model, BUT I really think she's boring-looking. There's nothing exotic or bewitching about her -- she looks like a stretched-out Salma Hayek.

Enterprise. Reed and Random Security Detail enter a darkened room that looks suspiciously like the Mess Hall with all the tables removed. "The prisoner, sir, as ordered," Reed tells a shadowy figure. The shadowy figure steps away from his Weight Of The World Window -- currently dressed up as The Direful Dormer Of Imprisoned Intimidation -- and says, "Thank you." Quantum ominously dismisses Reed, who leaves Nervous Alien alone with the shadowy captain. This is a fairly funny scene, because Quantum's got the whole menacing thing down pretty well as he proceeds to question Nervous Alien. He even makes him sit down at a table that has a bright light shining up from it, like this is Law & Order: Space Aliens Unit. Quantum explains that where he's from, criminals are punished for their actions, and that the room they're in is where Nervous Alien's tribunal will take place. "Tribunal!" Slobodan Alienosovich jumps up. "I am not subject to your laws!" Quantum tells him, "That's not for me to decide." Slobodan Alienosovich sits down again.

Quantum explains that Starfleet asked the Vulcan High Command to put someone on their ship who is the judge of such matters, "someone who wouldn't be swayed by human emotion. Someone objective, logical." Quantum goes on that T'Pol has already reviewed the evidence, so Growing More Nervous By The Minute Alien's tribunal will only be a formality. "I thought you should be prepared," Quantum warns his prisoner. "Her punishments can be...severe." "How severe?" Nervous Alien swallows. "If you're late for your shift, you might receive a beating. But for more grievous offenses -- dereliction of duty, conduct unbecoming an officer...we started out with eighty-three crewmen on board, we're down to seventy-six," Quantum tells him impressively. I assume that one of the dearly departed is May-Expendable? The alien insists he's done nothing wrong, but Quantum begs to differ, running down his list of offenses, from accessory to kidnapping to damaging a Starfleet Vessel. "What damage?" Nervous Alien bleats. Quantum explains what the alien ship spooge did to their warp drive, and Nervous Alien insists he had nothing to do with that. "As I said, I'm not the one you have to convince," Quantum reminds him.

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