Precious Cargo

Episode Report Card
Keckler: F | Grade It Now!
Kiss Me, Ingrate

Just in case Trip was tempted, Pod White tells him, "The SOV-ereign GUARD would CUT off one OF your HANDS." Trip tells her she's gotta be a whole lotta fun on a date. Of course, this is the obligatory scene where we find out that Pod White is an Ice Princess because she isn't allowed to interact with anyone other than her father's advisors. Or, put in Bermaga language, Trip needs to fun her up in a intercoursery way, since she's never gotten any before and it's obviously the reason for her Royal Uptightness. Gotta love Rick and Brannon for their unceasingly complimentary portrayal of women. Poor little rich girl -- Gloria ain't got nothin' on you! Just as Trip starts to feel sorry for her, Pod White puts her shields back up, because she revealed too much of her tortured, misunderstood, inner soul and tells Trip he should get back to work.

Alien sh'pod nears a planet. Pod White is a bit worried, because the whole planet appears to be water. "There's a chain of islands near the equator," Trip tells her. "WILL we be ABLE to BREEEATHE?" Pod White frets. Will you be able to aaaact? Trip lists gases. They will be able to breathe. Next worry on Pod White's mind is whether or not there are dangerous life forms on the planet, but Trip doesn't know how to use the bio-sensors. "ARE you CER-tain we HAVE the CORR-ect PLANET?" Pod White whines. Trip tells her it's the only one with a breathable atmosphere. "You may begin our descent," Pod White tells him. Gee, really? Trip hopes he gets the landing right as they plummet toward the planet and experience turbulence. A few things go wrong, and Pod White cries out, "MIS-ter TUCK-er!" Trip counts down the meters -- he thinks they're meters -- until the surface, and says that he thinks the braking thrusters are firing. "You might wanna grab hold of something," Trip tells her. Of course Pod White grabs hold of him. That's just stupid. The sh'pod slams into the ground. No parachutes or anything. Considering what their velocity looked like, I think they should be very flat by now. And very, very dead. Trip asks if Pod White is okay, and she asks what the hissing noise is. "Demmed if I know," Trip grunts, and reaches for the door. They get out and look around at the Degobah swamp they landed in.

So, there's fifteen minutes left -- is this where all the action's going to take place? That's so first-season TNG.

Devil's Bayou. Too bad there's no Madame Medusa and Snoops to blow this place wide open. Pod White and Trip hoof it through the rainforest, taking care not to fall over any bugs. Of course, this is just another cue for Pod White to play her JAP -- Jawing Alien Princess -- role as she whines and whimpers how "unbearable" their situation is. I agree -- if you were dead, the situation would be a lot more bearable. For the both of us. Trip comments that the heat is nothing compared to summer in the Everglades. Yes, you're from Florida -- you eat pan-fried pecan pie and slices of catfish, play a harmonica, have an orange juice river in your backyard, and all these things happen in Florida, WE GET IT ALREADY! God. "At least they're aren't any mo-skee-toes," Trip says, prompting me to say: "Florida mosquitoes are nuthin' compared to Minnesota mosquitoes, where it's the state bird!" Pod White stumbles and whines, "Where are we GO-ing?" Trip says, "Over there. It looks like a good place to set up camp." Pod White rolls her eyes and says Trip's ship will never find them. Does she mean ever? Or just because they're going "over there" to set up camp? Trip tells her not to underestimate Quantum. Yes, right now he's playing Good Cop, B'ad C'op with T'Pol in a heroic effort to save both of you. Pod White slogs through the water, and we can see she's taken off and is now carrying her Dyeables. Ew. I can just imagine all the nasty little creatures that are in that water, dying to burrow under their skins, lay eggs, hatch, feed on dermis, and only come out when a can of gasoline is dumped over them. I think I've read too many plane crash survival stories. As Trip moves branches around at their campsite, Pod White notices that Trip has a tear in the shoulder pad of his uniform. "YOU'RE blee-DING!" She announces, and orders him to remove his uniform. Trip says he'll deal with it later. "We have NO idea what MI-crobes live in THIS EN-vironment. It COULD become in-FECTED," Pod White argues.

Mathra: Oh, suddenly she knows all about microbes?

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